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Nerf battles. Peppa Pig. Adoption. Mother's Day. We cover it all in our one year anniversary podcast episode! So much has happened this year but we're still up to our necks in motherhood s**t with no real end in sight.
Being a mom is easy, right? Except when you have to think about what they eat, wear, play with...now add their mental health to that equation and you have a recipe for disaster!
FOOD. The biggest stressor in my life. Put chicken through a feeding tube of an eight year old. Now he's overweight. We were interviewing a nutritionist. I'm just not a good cook. What happened with sugar?
Hey moms, this is Donna Hay and I'm Adinah. Welcome back to Are we there yet Moms? Today we're talking about unsex unsexting - I like that. Donna, it sounds like we don't text sexy things to other people. Well, only people I'm related to. Yeah, so we thought that a really important part of parenthood is sex or not.
Hey moms this is Donna. Hey and I'm Adina. Welcome back to Are We There Yet moms Adina, Are we there yet. No. In fact I'm getting farther away. Well if you're tuning in we guess you're also not there yet. So welcome back.
Hi I'm Adina. I'm Donna. Welcome back to. Are we there yet. Mom's The only podcast that will make you feel like an awesome parent.
Hi there. I'm Dana and I'm Edina. Welcome to the only ride where no one asks out loud. Are we there yet. Our hope is to provide you with brain Marlo but not like real Marlo because you need to get the kids to school.
[00:00:00] They tried to kill each other never shoot closer than 20 feet from Target that I was in trouble hitting me. Not even acting for a podcast.
[00:00:08] I don't care. I'm leaving Scott added to bsuch a good mom. Stop the insanity. They think they don't love my kids. I hate you're the worst mom. You don't hit Mommy. No. She does but she's flying a helicopter and saving why to spend the day with my kids.
[00:00:28] Hey Moms. This is Donna. Hey and I'm Adina. Welcome back to Are We There Yet. Mom's banking your baby's cord blood is one way to ensure that they'll be protected against certain conditions now and in the future. Maze is dedicated to making this remarkable technology affordable to as many families as possible by offering the highest quality banking at the lowest cost. It's the best science at the best value and right now for Mother's Day they're offering our listeners an additional four hundred dollars or a hundred dollars or a hundred dollars to help when you use the cold mommy. Learn more at www.mazecordblood.com.
[00:01:11] How do you think you're doing in the realm of motherhood. Because I have to say when I walked into your house today I saw this amazing sign called the rules of engagement. Yes it seems to me like there was some serious nerf. Prisoners of war were taken in your home because the rules of engagement included things like always clean up nerf bullets. After battling safety zones no shooting zones include kitchens and bathrooms. Did you guys have some issues.
[00:01:41] We did. What was that. Well we call them first I we call them end powers a ha nerf. Prisoners of War. So that's what we refer to them. There are some kids who've come to our apartment for nerf battles that haven't gone home yet. So we did need to institute a nerf battle rules of engagement.
[00:01:58] Oh my God. My favorite is number one Always keep nerf gun pointed down.
[00:02:05] Line not Batali. Yeah.
[00:02:08] My Carol I actually felt like Wow she's such a good mom. I would just scream. I feel like I'm taking away the gun. It's over. Yeah. Like actually put so much thought into it. Adina has the sign. It has seven rules on it and it's like this big post it. It's a person sized post it note small. She was caught up on her wall.
[00:02:27] Yeah. Well it gives you're wondering none of them follow anymore or shoot above the neck. Yeah. Even during the battle.
[00:02:36] It's true. It's really an important role. Dana wait. Sorry didn't have to go back to this but Number Five never shoot closer than 20 feet from Target. Do you think he knows what 20 feet he likes. Yeah we've told you a lot about it must for Mommy.
[00:02:51] Yeah. Imagine you just lying on the grass and maybe I'm a little generous of my height. I don't know if I'm still in the good old days
[00:03:05] Guys. Yeah I'm cool. I'm sorry. This to me was just like wow such a good mom. It's such a good mom. I think the good moms that don't get the kids the Nerf guns. I don't think it's the ones who said no to gangs but no big girls because can I tell you something.
[00:03:21] I have friends whose the moms are like very anti-gun. They literally will take cops and turn them into a gun. Kids will do anything to make if they want a gun. They're gonna make a gun right. It's true isn't it. Irvine becomes a weapon. Everything becomes a weapon.
[00:03:38] You know how much it hurts when someone shoots you with an hour bullet. Yeah it actually is extremely painful. Couple weeks ago I got some text messages from some of the parents in class saying hey your son invited my son over on Friday after school for a nerf battle. I was like What are you talking about. So I confronted my son orchestrated a whole. Yeah. He's got eight other boys in his class and he invited all the boys over for an hour battle and all their parents texted me. We're in. We're coming. I ordered. I can't believe I did this I ordered 1000 nerf bullets. No you didn't. Yes I did. Every kid came everyone got one hundred and everyone have their own gun. You cannot imagine oh things like something in this school that they came wait. Really was. Some kids came with four or five Nerf guns. What was unbelievable to me.
[00:04:26] What are you guys like members of the NRA. What is going on there.
[00:04:29] Yeah we are. That is so unlike you. Yeah well you know it's the second amendment right to bear arms that doesn't really important as we're teaching them freedom of speech.
[00:04:41] Absolutely right to bear arms. Absolutely. Yeah. What's up engagement rules for prisoners of war. Yeah think that's in the Constitution. OK. OK. So Dana. So it's been a year from here and here. First let's give a shout out to our listeners. Shout out guys thank you so yeah. Moms thank you so much for not just that I know right. Dads talking to me about our podcast. I've got some dads on here. Some dads have told me that they think they don't love my kids. Really. Do you love your kids Donna. No. No. This is. Accurate accurate accurate. So very perceptive Dad. Yeah. Great job at picking up on that. What kind of changes have you gone through Donna last year.
[00:05:24] I'd like to think that year by year I have some sort of development and personal growth on some level. And you know I take two steps forward three steps back. That's my mojo.
[00:05:34] Well I think for me it's been really interesting doing this podcast for the last year because it's forced me to think a lot about my identity in general and my identity as a mom and what that means and is that all that I am. Is that a part of what I am. How much of me and my identity do I want to be a mom because I'm also work full time and I also have other interests. So it's really this podcast is definitely forced me to think about that. And you know at this point in my life being a mom is just a gigantic part of my identity. I'm seeing things changing in my life in terms of their independence. My son had his first sleepover. You know things like that that have happened over the year. He's carrying arms he's carrying. That's exactly
[00:06:17] Right. Right. He does have so many things have happened. It's really amazing. It's been. Yeah my daughter sleeping through the night. She she is. She seems like that kind of stuff like I'm not so sleep deprived anymore when I am it's because of me. It's because I stay up bleep. Yeah. Not because I've got he's waking me up during that. It's just it's been a very different year for me.
[00:06:39] I will say in the past year my older two they tried to kill each other so much more than they did a year ago. Really. Yeah. Yeah interesting. But that's got to happen. They've gotten more complicated for me in their own relationship because they're close in age. They have a lot in common. Right. And they share every muscle right and they share a room. I said to my son the other day he was like I hate sharing a room with his sister. I said if you complain again you're going to have to do it. Tell us where you told the world you're gonna have to share a bed with your sister. Do you know what it's like. I share a bed daddy. And he was like Oh no no I don't want to hear about it. Yeah all said at least you get to share a room and not a bad night. You know if you're totally right am I right.
[00:07:25] So what are your plans for Mother's Day this year. Well to draw out the other moms that they're not like oh I wanna spend the day with my kids.
[00:07:35] Yeah very.
[00:07:36] There it is like Oh my God. Great. We'll go to brunch after they're so excited to point out our children whose I mean we also did a mother's day projects are you going to do a potted plant.
[00:07:49] I would love since a lot of plants because since I love flooded plants. Yeah I love it as much as glitter but two things.
[00:07:57] I hate them. One of you guys make slime because that always goes really. That would be a great thing. Happy Mother's Day to all you moms you dropped off your daughters. Another coming home with Slime slime glitter. Yeah. But they're fine. Why let go have such a fun time with their potted plants and potted plant. Yeah you know. But don't pot it for them. Take home the dirt right. The locked in a baggie with a hole in the bottom of the pot. Today I only have a bottle of water. Oh what if I ask some seeds in a separate bag. Yeah they'll all lose so they'll have a tantrum about it. That falls out in the car. Yes. Oh my God. Yeah. Amazing. Happy Mother's Day Mother's Day. I'm an
[00:08:50] I have three kids two of them were teenagers. They're both girls and I have a son who's 10 and I like to call myself a professional mom. It's not just based on my expertise with them but with the babies they take care of. I volunteer for an adoption agency and I do something that looks an awful lot like foster care but it is in a volunteer capacity.
[00:09:14] I take care of babies from the time they're born until the time that they are either adopted or go home to their biological parents not because any of these babies were taken from the biological parents but because the biological parents either decided that they would not be able to parent and wanted to make a placement plan for their babies immediately after birth or soon after birth.
[00:09:39] Or because you know what. All you really need is one night with that baby to make that decision.
[00:09:45] We're not some parents are unsure really completely unsure if they're able to parent and need some time to figure it out while the baby's with me they get help from a social worker at the adoption agency. How many years have you been doing this for. It will be eight in June. So it's been thirty four babies maybe it's been thirty three. I write it down. What happened to Greg at the agency that I volunteer for. Has is their mission finding a family for each baby. And also when a parent approaches them they want to counsel them so they just want to find whatever the right scenario is. Got it. And it's not always known when we go into things what the right scenario is. But in terms of you know let's say there's a placement plan and there's going to be an adoption. It's a matter of finding the right family for that baby. It's not a matter of finding a baby for a family who comes to them and says I want a baby that's not where their focus is. They want to help people but the focus is on the child.
[00:10:40] I have a question about this whole concept of being able to parent. Was there a questionnaire that was sent out that I never got. Like who is deeming the rest of us being capable of parenting or is that like a self-selecting group like I feel like I can do this because how many times have we gone through and I'm saying we collectively to all of us although maybe you guys would look at me like I'm crazy like I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
[00:11:06] Oh no. I still don't know right. Moynihan is definitely that's probably what's happening right there just admitting it. You and I didn't feel like admitting it.
[00:11:14] Well all of our husbands right. But like the donators. Yes and the doctors were like Yeah yeah we got it we got it. Don't worry about it. Go cry in the corner. Right.
[00:11:24] Maybe they're just being honest and saying I can't handle this right now. What I've learned is that our lives as individuals look different from each other. I really do hate to overuse this word but we have privileges. Yes. That other people don't have. If nothing else we have the three of us job right. And there are people who don't have it which sounds trite but there are just people who don't have it and they need if nothing else a few days to check in and see where maybe those people can exist for them where they do exist where they had never considered or how they can make their own lives work and parents. Another human being. I have so many questions I actually don't even know where to begin. I tell my kids to start talking and then we can start trying to put the pieces together. How did you even get into it. So it literally came across my desk. I remember sitting at my desk my now 10 year old son was I think not even two at the time and somebody locally had discovered that this adoption agency which is one of the only ones in the country that does the interim care the fancy name is interim boarding care that we do. She discovered they were looking for volunteers and so she simply posted on the local Yahoo group that they're looking for volunteers. And if it's something you could do maybe look into it and sign up. Now she couldn't do it but she was just publicizing for them and it literally just looked like something I could do. What is fascinating to me about volunteering in this capacity is that even if people don't want to or feel that they can take care of babies themselves they want to enable the people who do so those babies come with me when I go to work if I can't meet them at home with my husband they come with me. Nobody bat an eyelash.
[00:13:09] Yeah in part because when I teach a class and music is so loud nobody hears something that got me through many months. When you get the phone call and I see their number. I thought you were dead threesomes or whatever it isn't. Yeah.
[00:13:25] I want to know if all the other volunteers do the same thing because they always giggle when they like. Do you laugh every time. The. Other moms do. I didn't get it
[00:13:42] I swear to God I'm not even acting for a podcast. Do you ever see the number and you're like I just want to hit decline.
[00:13:49] No. Although once or twice if it comes like two days after so the last time.
[00:13:55] Oh this is how my brain works. I thought I was in trouble. I thought something had happened to me you just had a baby.
[00:14:02] He went home Sunday morning and the phone rang on Monday afternoon and I thought What did I do right. What I wish wrapping. I wash his clothes before sending what did I do and I said. Hi.
[00:14:18] I'm okay. What's wrong. Nothing. I have another baby. Wait. Really.
[00:14:23] And so it's happened. You know so there's that. I thought I was in trouble.
[00:14:27] Then one or two other times I looked at the screen and I thought Are you kidding me.
[00:14:32] But they weren't you know adding that they have my vacation schedule because my personal policy is that I don't ever want to say no to taking a baby. If anything I want them to know that don't ask me. So there were two times that I was iffy once there was a baby who I think had been exposed to drugs and I was about to travel I was staying in a hotel alone with my children and I said Really do you think I can do this.
[00:15:03] It doesn't sound like a good idea to me. Does it sound like a good idea to you and so that you meaning you would have had to take that.
[00:15:10] I would have traveled with the be alone with my children in a hotel room overnight. I didn't know what kind of withdrawal you're going through and I said Can you give me more info. They said they decided that wasn't a good idea. And then there was another time where I did the same.
[00:15:25] Are you sure you know what do you think. Body and the voice at the other end said look and I need you to take the baby and I said OK. Right then the answer is yes because then the answer is yes then it's an emergency. Then I need it and also by the way I love to be needed. But other than that yes. So once they called me on vacation and I was like You mean next week right
[00:15:44] My calendar you mean next week and you save the baby.
[00:15:49] Do you get attached to them. Do you get sad when they leave.
[00:15:53] I get attached to their story often. I want to make sure a birth mom is getting the help that she needs.
[00:16:00] I want to make sure my baby's going to a great home either back with birth mom or to her new family. I have really big feelings about what's going on.
[00:16:10] She doesn't often have an awful lot to do with the baby herself.
[00:16:14] If you remember infancy it's hard it's really hard and there's no connection there's no I don't tense I mean I connect to my own bees when they were born.
[00:16:24] For the most part I said with my second who cried immediately like she was loud immediately and I knew she was going to be loud for the rest of her life. Oh by the way I was right. Right immediately.
[00:16:35] And I remember saying Okay you have to stay with me in the room in the hospital as long as possible. Otherwise I am not going to care because I can already tell you've got attitude. Yeah but it was like an effort. It was a cognitive effort to bond emotionally with her. Got em I said was really cute though right.
[00:16:55] Right. But how was that for you to kind of make that decision to bring this outside child into their lives. That needs a lot of attention. Even though we know infants need less and less the more and more there are of them. So as your fourth child is less than your first date as an infant but it takes away your attention that you're going to you're able to give to other kids so how was that decision for you first response.
[00:17:17] I should probably give you is that is a crap shoot I didn't know how they would respond to this baby who is not one of us right. It's not if family member and that in that she's going to stay and it would send act of service and charity on our part. So from that perspective I think that's been a part of my children's lives for long enough that this is just kind of another way we were going to serve and that made sense to them. I think it's enjoyable and exciting enough that that was able to keep them going probably for the first couple babies and certainly at this point my kids get a lot of positive attention for being hands on and caring with the babies. And while I vacillate between feeling like I deserve positive attention and being uncomfortable with it I absolutely believe my children deserve the positive attention that they receive for wearing the baby taking the baby out and diapering the baby you know for volunteering in their own capacity. They understand in part because I have absolutely verbalized your my children you come first. So if you have a choir performance and the baby has a doctor's appointment somebody else has to take the baby to the doctor because I'm not missing your choir performance.
[00:18:37] Do you have that response. Like I remember. Again it could have been my hormones where I would like to shoot up and be like oh he's not breathing.
[00:18:47] Oh is he breathing do you do that. So typically yes I mean I wake up when the babies wake up but if they let's say they miss feeding or they're a little late. Yeah. If that happens I'd say the third or fourth night. Oh yeah I shoot up and then I'll do the you know flap. Oh I'm sorry did I wake you
[00:19:10] Up. Yeah. Up to
[00:19:14] Oh were you ready to eat. Look at there there's a bottle right
[00:19:19] To be. Yes. I mean I imagine I could be good for your high strung ness. I. Just feel like.
[00:19:28] I was thinking when you said you get to the six week mark and you can see the light. Six weeks is probably about the time I wonder if I'm gonna die right.
[00:19:36] Yeah but I mean look it's exhausting but you know so I'm a flexible job and definitely if not at the fourth kid then at the 17th you learn when the baby sleeps. Good God you lay down wherever you are and try to fall asleep. Wow. Right. No thank you notes no dishes. No. So that does on occasion mean what's for dinner. I don't know cereal right. Check the fridge right to choose one with high fiber content.
[00:20:02] They call you do you get the baby that day. So usually not.
[00:20:07] I will tell you my favorite calls just because I think they're funny are high.
[00:20:10] So what do you do in later today. I love that.
[00:20:13] Because how funny is that. That's right. That's how life happens usually. Hey what are you doing today. We're going to bring you. I knew I could happen.
[00:20:21] Where's your car seat. I would say just on average probably the baby's coming. Well if I got a call tomorrow that's Monday right. Agency opens first tomorrow. This could have been a baby born Friday night. That baby might wanna come home tomorrow. So often it's a day or two. Any parting words for Mother's Day and oh my goodness Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day. I bought myself a present because I know I deserve it and I would like to say if you does ever present. Sure you buy it.
[00:20:49] Oh things don't always work out and that who's giving it to you. I bought it for me. It is for me. It's say calligraphy. You know did you wrap it. I selected it. I paid for it. And I'm giving it to me really. I shouldn't have.
[00:21:04] Well here's the million dollar question. Are you still expecting a gift from either your husband or children.
[00:21:10] I am not sadly positively not the last year I ordered myself flowers because Happy Mother's Day to me and the adoption agency that I volunteer for. Also sent me flowers.
[00:21:25] My God at first I thought they were from my husband but they weren't.
[00:21:30] So I have two identical bouquets because they must have been a promotion so I got two bouquets none of which from your mate. Now he also is a little bit confused.
[00:21:41] Yeah. And what's going on. I mean. You're setting yourself one bouquet. But please don't say that.
[00:21:49] If we were my kids just told me I was the world's worst mom. Does that mean I do deserve a president or don't you just say you know what I say when I hear that.
[00:21:58] Well I told you that yesterday. That's a win. Yeah.
[00:22:02] I often say that to them and they'll say to me like I wish I had a different Mommy I'm like Oh I'm so sorry it or not how you got so unlucky really so you don't say Oh yeah actually about that your real mom's coming to pick you up soon. I just I'm going to say it. Yeah.
[00:22:17] So I said shock like that anymore right. Oh yes. And our life has changed. Yeah.
[00:22:24] I love also the professional mom. I love that.
[00:22:27] I think sometimes we all have trouble seeing our own value and a lot of us based it on our career for good reason. And this takes up so much of my time and is something that I'm so proud of that I want to make the most of it.
[00:22:40] I'm like kind of you. It's incredible. It's just wonderful. There are people like you in the world.
[00:22:44] Yeah and the world is not relying on me or Dominic.
[00:22:48] They live a life. And thanks so much for joining us today. Really appreciate it. Thank you. Enjoy your present. Thanks
[00:23:08] You know Don I think I said this when we were with him. I think I mentioned this that it's really lucky for humankind that there are people like in the world because I would never in a million years take someone else's baby. I don't even want my own babies. Totally forget about theirs.
[00:23:22] You do. I do don't I feel the same way I do. I love newborns. I don't get it. Yes. That's not where you and I meet. But do you remember why you started this podcast. Tell me. Because the kids are so because they're old hip a newborn baby talk. They say like I hate you. Yeah. I mean the worst mommy or something. No I would love that. I wish someone else was my mommy. I mean should I go on that. This is not a lie. No this is all this is on the last 24 hours. I think I've heard all this literally this morning. You are the worst sometimes I even get like they're about to hit me but then they control themselves. I got hit tonight. You do. I do. By my son and my daughter. But was it playful. No I was real it was real or mad. They were. What do you do. I hit them back. Oh no I didn't hit them like I said we don't hit Mommy.
[00:24:10] And then I muttered some profanities under my breath. Yeah. To make myself feel better. I feel like you know them the easy way. Well my daughter she's three and she's got a little temper because she's a redhead. She's a redhead she'd say I'm not getting feisty feisty. Yeah. So I actually picked her up and put her on the counter because she can't you tell from the gender by herself. And then I walked out of here De Jong she was too scared to jump. So and then I walked out of there. So it's kind of like putting her in time out I guess. Right. But I was just kind of like I don't care. I'm leaving you. Well she's screaming.
[00:24:39] Yep get me. Calm down.
[00:24:44] That's why I think maybe you shouldn't hit Mommy. How about that. How about them apples. I love it. But like you can't do that with your eight year old. No. Oh my God I could barely lift him. So what do you do with him. He I just said to stop. Does he should take the Nerf gun and hit him over the head.
[00:24:59] I don't ever hit me again. Out.
[00:25:02] I love newborns. Yeah. I just want to I want to suck their faces off. I love them so my God. OK. Like when they eat them anyways you have these newborns right. And then the exhaustion sets in because every night you are up every two to three hours. Yes. Right. Sometimes you'll get a stretcher for that is like the worst. Yes it's a tease. Yeah. We might as well make me up every two. It's better I get into Aria. Exactly like Stop it stop the insanity. Yes. But then like six weeks and you see the light it's kind of over and then you like enjoy the baby she keeps going back to those first six weeks. And I know she said it's different because of the hormone Yeah but like well wait.
[00:25:45] Truth be told I did not have light at the end of my six week tunnel. You didn't know. Mine was closer to four months. I know I was getting a lot because six weeks was. It was still pretty hellish. But I agree with you that it's like Groundhog Day for her. Yeah. The baby doesn't get older. You see joy. The same thing again and again. Oh my God it sounds horrible.
[00:26:07] It sounds horrible but it really seems like her family's like bought into it. They're kind of a team. Yeah they did. I mean like what a nice lesson for your kids.
[00:26:15] She seems like a great mom. She just got the right attitude. But also I feel like like you said she's kind of imbuing her children with these incredible values. Yeah. My kids will have no good values. Yeah no positive thinking about the world values right now. What else can I buy an Amazon.
[00:26:32] Yes. Yeah that's my kids think that when they ask me for something and I say no they say just get it on Amazon. Yeah right. If Amazon was the gift giver. Sure. Can't you just have them. Can you just text Amazon. Yeah that's it. To send it allow. Yeah. It's a funny. It's true. It's not really funny. No it's not funny. Oh no. This is the harbor. When I ask them to do things like I was telling my son I think you should start reading chapter books on your own. Yeah. Right. That's right. He's in second grade standard. Yeah. He does it at school. He just doesn't want to do it. I said. And he said I have a deal for you. I'll read 12 chapter books and we need to think up a price to get. I was like why is a price surprise. Yeah. He's like yes. What can you think of to give me when I finish the top two. I'm sorry.
[00:27:23] This is the price. This is the gift of literacy. Yes my dear son.
[00:27:27] That's what you get an imagination. You're welcome in thinking about starting this podcast on Mother's Day and it start coming full circle here. Yeah there's a motherhood has gotten a little bit harder for me. Really. Yeah. How is how so. Because my kids are getting older. Yeah. Big kids big problems. But it's like it's just. There's like a lot more mental energy that's being exerted. It was actually so much easier with a baby. Yeah I was a babies. I knew that there was gonna be a time when they napped twice a day. Right. My nap baby was gonna nap twice a day. All right. I had three hours that you can get stuff as bedtime was six o'clock. Right. Right. Not eight thirty or nine. Yeah. That kills me. I know eight thirty nine. Are you kidding. I just need you all in bed by 7:00. Can't you just put them in bed and lock the door from the outside. No. I first of all my baby I can't do that with. He makes me read him goodnight moon like 10 times.
[00:28:25] Oh my God. And every time it's a surprise I'm like Aha. In the light of the moon. Yep yep and the couch is just jumping over the moon again.
[00:28:37] I did. Yes there are two clocks. Every time I'm about to say socks. He's like Oh my God. I don't know their size due to their size. Why did they have to make those mittens look so much like socks. My kids always made that same mistake.
[00:28:53] I don't know what a terrible thing. The little one expects it in the way that I do it in the way that I with my intonation.
[00:29:00] Ok. OK. This is your problem. You're making you so excited. Yes. Currently you are making us way too much fun. Yeah. I want pealing. I want not in this story time bedtime reading from now on. So true. Like I read Peppa Pig with accent. No you don't like Madame gazelle.
[00:29:16] She's totally French. You think so. Yes when I read it do it. Come on do it. Do the accent here. Yeah. I am good. Yes good. She is the one. My kids laugh
[00:29:30] You can eat your Daddy Pig. I can't. Comes from our studio right now. And my dog. Character and the thousands of his favorite characters not Pepa.
[00:29:39] No not Papa. She like always sounds like she's a cold me. It annoys me on the show. My favorite character is Mrs. Rabbit because she has a million jobs. She is the pilot.
[00:29:52] She's the bus driver. Like I have never seen.
[00:29:59] I've read it. We have a lot of the books I've never seen it. OK. We need you to listen to this. Okay. Tell me about Mrs. Rabbit. She's like driving. She's driving the bus. Yeah. For school field trips. And she's flying a helicopter and saving lives at the same time.
Hey moms, this is Donna Hay and I'm Adina. Welcome back to. Are we there yet? Moms? Today we're talking about unsex unsexting and I like that. Donna, it sounds like we don't text sexy things to other people, but. Well, only people I'm related to. Yeah, so we thought that a really important part of parenthood is sex or not so well actually or not. We were trying to figure out is an important part of parenthood. Facts were clear, unclear.
[00:00:00] Taking kids seriously mommy needs some mental rest. I'm trying to find medication to be a good source to get my children to the doctor. This is not a joke let me just get back to talking about drugs. Genetic alcohol sex you know of any medication that could fix that. However may very men can safely take antidepressant. Oh my God does she have an anxiety disorder develop socially awkward children especially when you give their children and some of them are psychiatrist school refusal is a psychiatric emergency mental health is the last thing on my lands. Pam. A superhero
[00:00:38] Hey Moms. This is Donna. Hey and I'm Adina. Welcome back to Are We There Yet. Today we want to talk about drugs drugs drugs drugs. What kind of drugs. Well we're not gonna talk about the kind that mommy takes right now. But I would like to kind of about ashtray in your underwear and dash do. But I would like to talk about the kind of drugs that our kids could potentially be on and should they be on. Have you never drugged a kid when you needed them to go to sleep.
[00:01:05] Ok let's just start there. That's a really good place to start. Yeah OK I have. And also I don't know if I'm allowed to say this. You say it. If my child has had a low grade fever in the morning I really needed them to go to school. I've given them some Tylenol just so desperate times. Yeah desperate times write to me like ninety nine is not a fever according to my pediatrician. Actually if it's not that's not really a fever so I'm like OK. And you're going to school there's 100 so far from 90 No nope nope nope it's not kind of all the same. It's not. And the truth is you give the kid the medicine and they're like fine so fine eating normally. Yes. Back to fighting yes in arguing there are so many things that people talk to us about. Before we were becoming moms right. No one said I have to take care of their mental health. Also totally one more thing to add to the list. Unbelievable please. I'm already worried about their physical well-being. Do you know how many meals I cut a week. How many. Well if they each have ten.
[00:02:06] Oh Tony do you dance. Oh yes they do toes. Oh do not they get stuck in socks. Oh no. I wonder if those my kids are always complaining. Yes it is. Oh. They probably have a million ingrown toenail. I should checked anyway. There's 20 nails on each child's right. OK. 60 nails a week. The nail cutting is all on me as is you know I mean they've got like things like eczema and I have to worry about that. I had to worry about the jar and they bathe. You have to worry about them not getting cavities. Yes. Right. I have to worry about them behaving in school. You have to worry about them eating away all the eating is the worst the worst. Seriously another meal every day I'm like What. We just fed you last night. What is going on. Why are you angry. Get food. So mental health is the last thing on my list. I mean come on.
[00:02:57] Get it together. So I'm not sure if it's because we're such hovers that our kids are so cuckoo or way way.
[00:03:29] I think they hear your voice and they're like What what. You know it's like the water and Charlie Brown. They probably don't even register the fact that you're that you're asking them to do something. It's what I find with my own children. Yeah. I'm like well can you guys put on your shoes. They're like What what what what did Mommy say. Can you put on your shoes and then my voice gets raised. And by the tenth time they're like shouting it out. So do you know of any medication that could fix that. Now I got back to the meds. What's the deal with psychiatry and mental health with kids. Well you know it's interesting.
[00:04:05] I do feel that recently there's been less of a stigma that's attached to it which I love because I can see especially in my own mind. There's all kinds of cuckoo coming up really things are coming out right. So I feel like OK no stigma. Let's talk about it. Let's deal with it. No big deal.
[00:04:23] I say I feel like there still is a bit of a stigma. You think so. Yeah I don't think people are. Especially when it comes to kids. I don't think people are talking about their kids mental health issues. Yeah maybe that's true. People will put pictures of their kids naked taking a bath on Facebook but they're not writing. My kid is suffering from severe anxiety. Right. Right. And depression. I can't I can't fall asleep at night. Yes exactly. And monsters. Yeah. Oh tonight was the best actually putting my daughter to bed and she's like Mommy can you come with me to the bathroom and I said why. She said because the witch is going to get me. And I said Oh
[00:04:59] The witch is back. Is that like a recurring thing. It recently started as a USA Cougar. Yeah well you know what good thing we're talking to a psychiatrist. I'm hoping that she's going to just open doors for me and I'm gonna be like Have those aha moments of joy. I totally know what you're talking about. Right. And then maybe she suffers from that. She's going to diagnose to you thanks goodness. I hope so. I mean. Yeah. Did you ever watch parenthood. Yes. I was like able to diagnose so many things because of that. I just felt like Oh my God. Yeah totally. I see a child in class right and I checked my my daughter has that. And yeah are lots of checks. I just hope she brings her prescription pad with her. Oh my God. Me too. That be really helpful because you know what. There's no point in having a psychiatrist here if she's not going to give us something. Maybe she'll bring some samples even.
[00:05:48] That would be amazing.
[00:05:50] I'd be just going to miss them out. What kind of samples of anything. I don't know. Well I mean I have some idea. I don't. That's what I'm hoping that she's going to help us with. Oh is that she seriously you have no idea. You know go to college. I did. I did you know experimenting with. You never like heard about what was making people do particularly well on exams. All I know is that I whatever that was I was not taking it because I didn't do particularly well. OK well you should have. I know a gambler she'll bring her as a bat. But again this is not about us right. Oh it's not about us. Yes I know right.
[00:06:25] You could just fix everything. What was it like growing up for you. How was like that mental health experience. I mean now now we are a lot more attuned to it. You know now all the kids are in therapy I'm talking to the school psychologist.
[00:06:36] I went to a therapist. Never happened. I was like I think my parents were just lucky. Yeah. We were mentally OK maybe we weren't. Actually I don't know. But nothing drastic happened right yet yet. Right. Exactly. So far so maybe passing it on to my children. But you know I don't know how about you. Oh lots of therapy. But oh really. Your mom's a therapist. Yes she is. She even knew. Yeah. Like I actually might be so messed up and I don't even know I know and put me in therapy. Did your parents not know what therapy was. Because I talked about them being immigrants right. I am pretty sure they knew what it was. I'm sure that they feel that there's a stigma with therapy. But I'm sure they also that there was nothing wrong with us. Right. You guys were just perfect. How wrong they were. Right.
[00:07:18] And that's also the thing that it's like when we see our kids now we like we don't know. Right. Is this something serious. So my daughter having anxiety about going to sleep. Oh my God does she have an anxiety disorder or is she just a five year old kid who's never for going to bed. Are you guys in family therapy. We're not in family therapy yet but we've got we've got a select few in therapy children. There are a couple who would know right. Who would know because you don't even get to sit in. They could just be playing checkers right now. You know it's the most expensive choice ever.
[00:07:48] We're really excited to have Dr. Honore who's going to join us today and talk about kids and mental health and drugs I'm Dr. Ana.
[00:08:07] Ah. I have three kids. They're all boys.
[00:08:10] They're fun. Hi Dr. Ana. Well done doc. That's fine. Doc are some like Wait. That sounds kind of like a superhero. Yeah. Yeah I am a super here. Parents actually when you give their children drugs.
[00:08:27] My training my background is I did went to college in medical school and actually started out as a pediatrician and did a year of pediatrics residency and decided I wanted to have kind of different conversations with families and kids and left pediatrics and then trained in adult psychiatry. And then did a fellowship in Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.
[00:08:51] It was like a total of six years of training after medical school. And do you find like now with what you're doing in psychiatry. You're basically looking at the family unit as opposed to just the child. That's very much something that I aspire to do everyday when I'm working with kids or adults. So it's never just about the kid. It's never just about the kid. And there's a real problem when anyone says it's just about the kid because that is it really never.
[00:09:18] Because I mean I feel like no it's in a unit I have now. It's like one of these things is not like me. I'm saying that really.
[00:09:27] So what you're telling me is no actually it's in his environment everyone's unique right everyone has their own temperament. And I also have a son who stands out from my other two. Yeah it's always you have to think about it within the environment.
[00:09:42] Are these things that like you think about in your practice like gender. Like the fact that there's three boys in a family unit together or two girls and a boy or two boys and a girl.
[00:09:51] I actually think about it all the time like these are real things. Oh I think the real thing. Okay. And I don't order I think birth order. Totally okay. It is significant.
[00:10:00] What about time of day of birth. Oh I mean obviously I've wanted to do a study on this. Saving Syria. Totally serious like kids who are born at 4:00 in the morning. Did they end up being those early birds.
[00:10:12] Really. Anything you say.
[00:10:14] This is actually interesting. You think your time of birth but there was actually a study that came out recently in about kids born after August are more likely to get the diagnosis of ADHD. Why it might be suggestive really more of their level of maturity in contrast with the other kids in their class.
[00:10:31] What's the number one kind of presenting issue that you're seeing with kids I'm seeing with kids.
[00:10:36] A lot of kind of combination of anxiety and ADHD or ADHD if I'm thinking about like ages of children like ADHD the hyperactive type is like the first thing to presents like if you when you're taking the the history the parents can't help but describe this like super hyperactive toddler. You know that stands out in this way. Anxiety starts to present around kind of school age typically see with like separation anxiety and school anxiety and then typically depression is something that presents a little later. These are all in the typical kind of realm. So there's a lot of anxiety. I've seen you know related to terror and gun violence and I don't think it's specific to that but it kind of as you say triggers kind of this anxiety or is what kids connect their anxiety to.
[00:11:25] Since you brought up ADHD it's very high in the list just because. Yes. Are we getting diagnosed more or are we seeing more.
[00:11:33] There are different types of ADHD and there's ADHD that's combined type which refers to hyperactive and inattentive. And then there's the isolated hyperactive type and isolated inattentive type. So it's much more common for boys to have a hyperactive type and much more common. Many theorize under diagnosed that girls have inattentive type. So I think there's definitely more kids getting treatment for ADHD but they're definitely more kids on stimulants.
[00:12:01] What is this stimulant Ritalin as a stimulant. So these are medicines that have actually been around like for a really long time and they were initially used just anti-depressants. But why would you stimulate a child who's already so it has that kind of converse effect on them. So it's called a stimulant but it's more of like stimulating your mind to focus on it that way. And like I mean I remember like my friends buying it in college and you see like you know kind of people who are overdoing it with stimulants like the classic finance person who needs to be up for 90 hours straight and then they become psychotic from taking too many stimulants. And then once the stimulants get out of their system they're not psychotic anymore. Just really. Yeah I know it's not a permanent thing. Yes stimulants have a very short half life. So that really in your body for a short amount of time and the desire of. So wait. Yeah.
[00:12:49] Go. So let's go back though to HDD or HD I'm assuming because if you're prescribing a medication that there's some chemical imbalance that's happening. Would that be accurate theoretically.
[00:13:01] We don't know what it is for stimulants. I'm not regularly taking bloodwork because there aren't blood levels to test tap. I mean this is a guessing game. So you often playing with the dosages of medication and so there's like a mantra like you start low and you go slow.
[00:13:17] You could apply that to so much in life start low and go slow.
[00:13:20] Totally. I mean alcohol. Yeah.
[00:13:23] Max you want to be super cautious and you are monitoring blood pressure right. You are really mono during kids sleep and appetite and if they're eating late or losing weight and if they do have any kind of like comorbid medical problems then you have to be monitor for other types of things.
[00:13:43] You said these have been around for a long time. Have there been any studies done in tracing these kids that took them 25 years ago. Yes. Do they have heart problems. Do they have. No really nothing nothing. No effects.
[00:13:56] So the long term of no long term effect. There was some concern that they like as a cohort kids on stimulants there's some growth retardation so that they would be shorter. I've heard about coffee and diet soda. Yes I mean I am 5 4 and things are fine right now.
[00:14:14] Genetics also yeah genetics also play.
[00:14:17] And the reason when you see a kid who really has ADHD for example is a hyperactive type. They are bouncing all over the place like most kids I've worked with. Kind of want to fit in.
[00:14:31] They kind of want to be part of whatever you're being like What do we want you're addressing. It sounds like to me it's self-esteem. Totally right. And this isn't just about them bouncing.
[00:14:41] Oh yeah that because bouncing is totally fine. Right. And if they can balance that's great. But most kids are different. And that's exactly what happens is that they become unfortunately but frequently labeled the unintelligent kid or the class clown. You know it's really hard for them to make friendships. They're not the kid that's invited over to other kids houses right. They're not the kids that are included for the kind of fun adventure. Teachers are really hard on them because it's hard for teachers to manage them. So then it really makes them both fall behind academically because often they're other kind of academic needs that aren't being addressed just because they can't pay attention and their self-esteem really suffers. And among the long term reasons to prescribe stimulant is that there's a higher rate of substance use among people who have untreated ADHD. Really. Yeah. Because and it kind of capitalizes or galvanizes that kind of like impulsivity and because it's kind of like if you're feeling really bad about yourself and you have been really socially isolated. I mean kids who are doing drugs and want to do drugs with other kids are really welcoming a new face. Right. Right. Like it's it's a really easy entry point. That's something that's really important to kind of like address and so is any kind of person who's getting any kind of treatment for ADHD it's also kind of like it's not just the medicine right. It has to be like how are we maximizing this kid's functionality in their family system in school after school like are they having enough time to run around. Are they getting enough nutrients because stimulants do decrease your appetite. Lots of women like to abuse them too. I mean I've been asked I say women but I've been asked at parties if I would prescribe people stimulants. What do you say. I say no. Oh
[00:16:29] And then they typically stop talking. Let's stimulate conversation because what's a psychiatrist who won't prescribe you could stimulant or Xanax. I mean but usually it comes hand-in-hand right. Like you want the stimulant to put you up and then you want to let you down. Right.
[00:16:42] I want to discuss the spectrum the new Sollee of the DSM 5 which it is what it is it has lots of lots of gifts and lots of limitations is an autism spectrum disorder.
[00:16:55] Sometimes I meet parents who I find yet awake at night on the same spectrum as that child. Yeah of course genetics need. So it's like it's a real thing. This is. Right. So so meaning like you know everyone's talking about how they don't know why all of a sudden all these children have autism like that's not true. We multiply it 25 years ago it was really awkward adult adults have been known to develop socially awkward children.
[00:17:23] Correct. And I see it all the time and some of them are psychiatrists.
[00:17:28] I know and they do not they don't recognize it in their own children or themselves out either. Yeah.
[00:17:33] You know I think it is so hard to imagine your own like not imbuing your kids with only the most positive parts of you. Right. And I think there's a lot that like there's both their gifts on all angles. Right. I think parents are really scared about that.
[00:17:51] I am very scared as a parent of all of my genetics then my kid same at my husband's.
[00:17:58] His one more than mine. Getting a little bit more.
[00:18:03] So I think something that will come up a lot. Like just thinking about the HDD thing you know you'll see the parent and they can't pay attention. Right. Like they're 15 minutes late. They are like all over the place and like answering their phone and texting during an evaluation. Urban right.
[00:18:25] You have a similar situation and if you hear this phrase but little kids the little problems big kids big problems. So I want to talk a little bit about teenagers. Yeah. Scary. But B I'm scared of teenager. I'm scared but I'm also I'm sad about what I hear about what's going on. Teen suicide. This is happening all the time. It's not like I've heard about it once I've heard about it five times right. This is happening over like what is going on.
[00:18:56] I think horrible things. I think kids have real illnesses that we have to take super super seriously. So what are we looking for as parents. What are we looking for. I think one of the things that I think about when I'm evaluating a child is if you can kind of conceive of their ability to cope with school as your ability to cope with the workplace is like a kind of good match because like school is their workplace right. So if they are super struggling either socially or getting their work done or just are like treading it like that's something to be aware of.
[00:19:32] I had a supervisor who used to say school refusal is a psychiatric emergency right because if a child isn't going to school they're missing all of the I mean academic sham academics or hate like but you got to go to school. Yeah. Do you know why you got to go to school because you got to go to life. You got to show up all of the social and emotional growth that we want for kids that they need that that is actually indicative of how they will do in life right. Rather than I know what college you're getting into. Definitely definitely raising healthy people will lead to success in life right.
[00:20:06] I think a lot of things happen with kind of the celebrity death and there is you know just the scientific data to support it of like that it can be glorified. You know there was that movie I didn't see it thirteen reasons why isn't it a show. It's a show. I haven't seen it it's I'm not. It's a mountain series and spoiler alert. I think she kills herself at the end. I mean I can tell you from my own experience the next day in the emergency room while this was being or the next shift I had in the emergency room while this was being aired on Netflix I mean there were at least four or five girls in the psychiatric emergency room relating to this experience.
[00:20:44] So on the one hand it's good because they're reaching out for help on the other hand it's I think there's a glorification of it. Oftentimes parents can be dismissive of kids kinds of symptoms and kind of attribute to teen teen anger and or to kind of small problems or just say like this is manipulation and manipulation is a way that teenagers communicate right. It's a way that actually all of us communicate and we shouldn't just ignore that. I shouldn't just write about right there. They're trying to tell us something right. And they don't have the skill around sort of ignored it.
[00:21:19] Yeah of course totally. They're living like you're fine.
[00:21:24] And you probably were right because you were able if there were something that you needed to communicate to them. You probably would have been able to do it in a different type of way or just not communicating.
[00:21:34] Exactly right. Time. Yeah.
[00:21:37] Do you ever recommend medicating the parent or specifically the mom instead of the kid always.
[00:21:45] Well I think this actually comes back to what we were talking about earlier right.
[00:21:48] Like is it always just the kid who's the patient. Right. Like so frequently with the kind of psychological term as the identified patient. Right. And a kid can't just be the identified patient. And I write really make interventions and make recommendations. If I'm treating the child then I I'm not going to treat another family member but will definitely make recommendations that like you know I think part of what's going on is you're really anxious and if we treat your anxiety that's going to really help the child deal with their anxiety. And I've been on the other end of that where I've been referred you know see a parent of a kid who's struggling and to kind of it's it can be very gratifying when you're able to help a parent. And so the kid the side effect of treatment can be that the kid can do a lot better.
[00:22:38] That's amazing really forces us to take like a really really close look at ourselves. I'm not going to do that now. Is there any research that you've seen on medicating kids in utero.
[00:22:50] Great question. Great question.
[00:22:53] Well so there is reason real thing no idea. Thinking. I know I know that moms are medicated. Yes often the antidepressants. Yeah I can an app rightly.
[00:23:04] All parent or all moms during pregnancy is if they have a pre known medical condition that requires treatment during pregnancy and we always say the benefit of treatment has to outweigh the risk to the fetus. But mothers with diabetes have to take their insulin right. Mothers to be with a seizure disorder have to take their anti epileptic medications and the list goes on and on and on. So it's important that the mom who has a seizure disorder isn't on a medication that's called transgenic that has a lot of bad effects on on children. But there are lots of women who have chronic mental illness. The risk there is very good data to support that women can safely take anti-depressants anti anxiety. I mean this is obviously to be discussed with a psychiatrist as your own psychiatrist and your O.B.. But yeah there is really good evidence that you know we know for just in the example of depression and anxiety there can be really significant. There can be a significant impact on the baby if a mother has depression during pregnancy. And that's like low birth weight premature labor.
[00:24:16] Yeah. So you're gonna keep her spirits up. Yeah the baby stays healthy. Absolutely. Yeah. Healthy mommy healthy baby. That's so hard to do after your first kid.
[00:24:25] Yeah. You know what. Is there something to say there is medicine available. I. And good data.
[00:24:32] I mean and this is true for women who have bipolar disorder women who have a psychotic illness. You know it's it's something there's there's always a risk benefit. But with anything there's a risk benefit. Having kids is a risk benefit kind of conversation. So and also as well with breastfeeding you know what is the concentration of the medication that's gonna be transmitted and good data to support you know women just because you have to take some medicine it doesn't have to inhibit one's reproductive choices.
[00:25:00] There's an enormous genetic component. That's actually true of most mental illnesses but that's the benefit of that is that you have a hyper awareness to it. The same is true of substance use. Right there's a huge genetic component. So to be super aware of it with your kids is right.
[00:25:16] One parent believes a child could benefit from medication. One parent is vehemently opposed to medication. So what do you do as a psychiatrist in that situation.
[00:25:28] So this is kind of like the classic question so that like if a child has pneumonia there usually isn't a debate between the parents about whether or not to treat it with an antibiotic and very much a wish to treat with an antibiotic. I think it's it just relates to I think to stay connected to the psychologist or psychiatrist whoever's doing the evaluation to see if there are other interventions besides medication and to keep dialogue open. So I've been one of the things about ADHD for example is that if a child has ADHD. Ninety three percent respond really positively to a stimulant. So that's like a huge statistic. If it's really ADHD and not something else. So just to stick with the parents. Right. So the parent that wants the treatment going to the psychiatrist and trying to figure out what are alternative interventions and to try to understand also what the other parents resistance is to the medication and what it means to them. Because a lot of times there's feelings that it means some kind of you know their child is listed in some system and we'll never be able to be president. Things have a lot of meaning for lots of people. And to kind of figure out what the meeting is what does it mean if your child is on medication what does it mean if your child is depressed and then on the flipside what does it mean that a medical providers making a recommendation and you're saying no is also a pretty profound statement to be discussed.
[00:26:55] Doc Honore thank you so much the best. Why don't you hang out with you again. Yes we believe that. Give me a prescription of. Just kidding. And Xanax and that. Yeah.
[00:27:09] Yeah. Also we will be very happy to hang out with you if you write us a review. Are we there yet Mom. Yes
[00:27:27] Wow. That's a lot to digest. I think I covered every single mental health issue as it relates to kids totally. I have to say I'm a little disappointed that she's not writing us a prescription. I felt like we became close in that interview. She was like oh an adult's expected and then I was like Oh not us.
[00:27:45] You don't need to write a prescription for us. But like seriously it was loads. But you really did actually expect that. I felt like a sample.
[00:27:54] I mean I'm sure that those drug reps come by they do in some samples. I'm gonna stop talking about this. I feel like people stopped listening to this podcast.
[00:28:02] They're gonna start getting really worried about you or they're gonna start mailing in with all their fan mail. They're gonna start mailing you samples of things.
[00:28:08] Oh my. Yeah. We thought it isn't. She's just joking I'm just joking. Oh well here is my phrase that I'm going to take away with me for a long time and I don't have teenagers yet but the fact that school refusal is a psychiatric emergency. Major Yeah that was like an aha moment for me. Yeah. Wow. Like something else is going on here. Yeah right. For me too. Yeah.
[00:28:32] Just looking at school for kids like work for adult correct. Incredible. Great perspective.
[00:28:39] Absolutely. Like they are handling that. That's their job. Yeah right. And if I can't function in the workplace something's going on with me. If they're not functioning in school something is going on with them. And I think you don't just see that in teenagers. I see it with little kids. Yeah. Oh definitely see it with the kids. I think also taking kids seriously. Yeah. Like this is not a joke. We take them seriously. Yeah. Jonah how can we do this. We have to take them seriously. That's the I'm gonna book a vacation alone.
[00:29:08] Also no you can't do that because what's that going to do for them. It does it psychologically as a matter you know because of a lot abandonment issues you're creating. Forget it.
[00:29:18] I think I'm showing them Mommy needs some mental rest time. Something that was interesting to me is that it's never just about the kid. It's about his environment basically where to play.
[00:29:27] I feel like that's what she was saying. No. Yeah I mean that. Yes you but let me ask you. She was like really tearful even though you think the kid even though you think the kid is so not like you. Oh but actually the kid is.
[00:29:41] But I don't think that was her point fall. I don't think that was her point at all. Yeah I when she was talking about looking at kids in their environment she's talking about looking did they have an older brother who torments them. Do they have a younger sister who's always crying. You know that that's the kind of stuff that she's looking at. I hear that she did say though which is of course disturbing for all of us but probably not a surprise that there is a lot of these mental health issues there's a strong genetic link.
[00:30:07] Yeah. And there's a chance some things haven't come out yet. Yeah well look at the surprises we get to unwrap. Yeah later on that you're very concerned about dormancy.
[00:30:17] Yes I am. Why am I. Because I've seen some crazies in my genetic history. And it could come out in one of my children and could if died.
[00:30:27] It really could. Postpartum depression is there's a strong genetic link.
[00:30:31] No kidding. Yes. I did not know that. That's something people don't talk about as much. No not at all me. I think now there's you know more of a dialogue about it but certainly when I first had a baby I feel like no one was talking about it. I like that she confirmed that birth order has a lot to do with it. Yeah. Because I couldn't tell if I was making that up in my head like because she's the middle child. Right. Right.
[00:30:53] But actually it is so I but they also you know there's a lot of studies that talk about middle children being their most well-adjusted.
[00:31:00] Really. Yeah. That's that's not what I see. No that's not. I'll send you that article I like. I'd love to read it but I wonder if the middle child is a different gender huh. If that makes the difference and what gender they're surrounded by. Correct. Yes. And what the age gap is. Exactly. Yeah. And who they are in personality. Right.
[00:31:19] Right. But like all these environmental factors that you're talking about. Yeah the household. But this is very helpful. And I'm going to get my children to the doctor. Yeah. That's how I feel I feel like you know what we do an annual physical. We do like an annual psychiatric exam. Totally. I'm going to start incorporating that into our schedule because you know is another thing I need to add to my plate. Yeah. Oh yeah absolutely.
[00:31:42] Can we just get back to talking about drugs. So thanks so much for tuning in everybody. And don't forget to subscribe so that you could be the first to receive notifications about our next podcast
Hey moms, this is Donna Hay and I'm Adina. Welcome back to. Are we there yet? Moms? Today we're talking about unsex unsexting and I like that. Donna, it sounds like we don't text sexy things to other people, but. Well, only people I'm related to. Yeah, so we thought that a really important part of parenthood is sex or not so well actually or not. We were trying to figure out is an important part of parenthood. Facts were clear, unclear.
[00:00] FOOD. The biggest stressor in my life. Put chicken through a feeding tube of an eight year old. Now he's overweight. We were interviewing a nutritionist. I'm just not a good cook. What happened with sugar? How many times a week should be giving our kids pizza? We have hot dog, so to teach moms how to feed their families healthy and quickly. How's it there? Sneak cookies like a fat girl. At reason. We need some real like takeaway tips for our mom's brain needs sugar. Why stop? What are you talking about? Low down and chew your food. I'm going to stop eating. I wanted advice to kick me in the ass.
[00:35] Hey moms, this is Donna. Hey and I'm Adinah. Welcome back to Are We There Yet Moms? The biggest stressor in my life as a mom is food. Absolutely old time mealtime. Oh my gosh. Cooking snacks, snacks, snacks, snacks. Am I insane? Mission. Every time I leave my apartment, regardless of how long I'm leaving or if it's one hour or if it's eight hours and I'm going with the kids were going somewhere. Yeah, I have a lunch bag full of snacks and it's so funny because I either have that or then I don't and I have nothing and I have to buy them. Yes, a bunch of snacks and that's just so annoying. There's something wrong with us. There's some, it's so because they're always so effin hungry. Why don't they just sit down and eat? During mealtime we would avoid the whole snack problem and just worrying about their nutrition.
[01:29] Do you know how annoying that is? So many other day I had a child who got a physical and he was like, he's a little underweight, his hemoglobin. I was like, Oh yes, let me try to put chicken through a feeding tube of an eight year olds. I don't know what to do. He doesn't want it. I don't know what to do. I don't know. I don't know either. Know someone who six months and I've tried everything. I've tried, well this is what we make for dinner and tough you don't get to, and then of course I can't, that lasts maybe like a half an hour. Right. Cause then he's like, can I please have cream cheese on bread? I'm like, fine. Or string cheese. Cause that's the only thing right now. I, it's so funny. I remember frustrating my, um, when my son was born, he was also, he was very underweight and the doctor, every time we would go, he, she's like, he's not getting enough weight. She had me put olive oil in all of his baby food. Like we started it and studied it. He ate it. He didn't mind it. I guess he didn't know any better at that point. For the fat. Just for the fat add olive oil. He ate one avocado a day. Okay. Like we were insanely obsessed with fattening up this child. And guess what? Now he's overweight. Yeah.
[02:37] I guess I seven years old, I could stop adding olive oil. Unbelievable. Now it's like, well, okay,
[02:51] this is totally serious. Yeah. And now so it's like, um, how much sugar is he consuming? Right. Unbelievable. Much junk food shoes. Oh. Like there's also only so much control that I feel like I have. We don't give the kids juice. Right. We just don't, we drink a lot of water. It's good for us. Everyone's happy with it. No problem. Every day. And my son comes home with an empty Tropicana bottle from who?
[03:17] I still want him to. Someone that is infuriating.
[03:22] She's like, oh, so and so gave it to me and I was like, tell him to stop. Oh my God, I am so happy. My school, the school, my kids go to give the children lunch. That actually, I'm not kidding. It was a factor in deciding where they were going to go to school. That's incredible because it's one less meal I have to worry about. Oh sure. That you pack a lunch every day. Every day. That sucks. And you have to worry about peanut allergies, right? Nope. That's, so that's another thing. What is there left to eat? What the hell is their lab to eat everyday cheese. This is just so stressful. Yeah. And then you know, I'm sure you've experienced this, you sit down and you're like, all right, I'm going to do some many planning, planning out dinner for the next couple of nights. Yeah. And then you cook and then nobody eats it.
[04:04] Yeah. Nobody except my husband, lucky guy. He eats everything I make. He is the only child who literally is like, thank you. It was just crazy. Eats the food. He's the only mine. Nobody else does. What about vegetables? Okay, well I have so, so this is the thing also, I have certain children who only cucumbers and others who only eat peppers. Some eat carrots sometimes. I mean like this is what we're dealing with. Like are you joking me and Oh God forbid I should put it into a salad because the mix is just going to screw everybody. Yeah, you got some stuff for you. We'll throw them into a complete spire off so you know, I have to keep it separate. Anyway, whatever it is. Ridiculous. Ridiculous. Well, on the flip side, I'm not always in the mood for peppers and I'm not always in the mood for cucumbers.
[04:53] Do we allow them? But I'm always in the mood for a salad. Okay. I'm not really, I'm always in the mood for a roasted vegetable. Like right now, 6:00 AM on a Sunday. I'll take it. I'll take a roasted veggie right now. Yes. Okay. I got some Zucchini to alarm the olive oil and sea salt. Delicious. So we just started for the very first time actually. Just yesterday. Yeah. I'm giving the kids points for eating vegetables. Oh my God. A bribing system. Yes. Wow. Okay. Let me know how it goes. Yeah. So what do you get with the points that I haven't figured out? Like right now my kids would be like, what's the price? Well they didn't, they're excited about accumulating points so, so they're like talking about that. But then they're like, and they were eating the vegetables, they were actually eating salad for the first time.
[05:37] Say you're like, and then they're like, wait queens for it. Well yeah. And then they're like, well what are we going to get? And I'm like points. Lots of points. The more points the better. I did that my first year teaching. Yeah, like 20 years ago. I was like, that's a hundred points. And they also would get so excited. I had no prize insight but, and did it work though for the whole year? It totally worth it. Totally it. By the end of the year, people had like 110,000 points and I swear, I think I gave them stickers that said, novice teacher. It was a novice teacher thing. Or you can like, oh, now you're a platinum holders. You get to upgrade your card. I love that, but I've often maintained that when I win the lottery, my magazine first have to buy a lottery ticket, but when I win the lottery, the first thing I'm going to get is a chef.
[06:26] Oh, hundred percent I don't need a driver. I don't need someone to do my laundry to clean. No, yes, you do eat, but the chef is very important to me. The chef is the most important. Yes. If you win the lottery, you're also going to have a cleaner. It's a very small pool, but the chef, I'm with you every night, every night, every day, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I want to present it right now and they will get the kids to eat. Absolutely. Do take some responsibility and I'm like, maybe I'm just not a good cook. Maybe the kids just don't like my food is how I feel. I'm usually in a row, although I do make good things. Yeah, you food is awesome actually. It's good. I don't know what's wrong with them. Something. It's something. Yeah, it's them. It's not me. Not, you know, you're not me. And then also I wonder about like the bribery. Do you do that ever? Like if you eat your salad, I'll give you a lollipop. Hi.
[07:17] Are you kidding? Yes. Do you know that? Yesterday I went to exercise and I come back and my daughter says to me, she tells me that my baby in the time that I was gone had three lollipops. I said, who gave them to him? She's like, he took them himself and we didn't, they basically didn't want to tell my husband like, there's so sneaky, he's not even two. And he has three dumb dumbs. Amazing is, it wasn't even a price for something he just told us. Yeah, he just took them. I youngest son needs to get that kind of crap out of my house. Yeah. Yes. That's definitely where first started bribes so you know, but I or I need to hide it to be a little more strategic about where it's going. Yeah. If they all know where it is. Absolutely. Yeah. But then I also wonder like we don't have a lot of that stuff in the house so when we are in someone else's house or were at some event the kids are like swarming the suites table and I'm like, what if we just had gummy worms like falling out of the cabinets.
[08:13] What if I put gummy worms under the kids pillows at night? You were saying like make it so normal that they are and they're not interested. I don't say it works. I don't think sugar works that way. Same with TV. What if we just kept on the TV 24 hours? I want to tell you something. I have an occasion, very rare occasion put my children in front of a TV. Like I was like, I can't remember what the situation was. I think I was sick for about eight hours one day. Our IPADS. It was the worst detoxification ever and I think sugar has the same effects. You give them a bunch of sugar, they just want more sugar. It's like a whole chapter that they talk about that who talks about in in nutrition books. Oh really? Yes. Sugar begets sugar. Sugar, we guests sugar.
[09:01] I know. You think like, oh, too much. You know? But no, it's not like Marie condo with the clutter or you can just, you know, detox and get rid of it. It's not like that's all I know is completely addictive. It's not like hoarding. Right. It's definitely recording. No. Okay, fine. So we're going to be a little more, yeah, we have some, that's why we're interviewing a nutritionist. I know. I'm so excited each interview, Jamie. Me Too. This is going to be a really great episode, moms. Absolutely. I just want to know what the hell to do every day. Yeah. I want her to plan my meals. Do you think she'll do that for us? Maybe we can ask. What's that? Yeah, that's a question for Jamie. How many times a week should be giving our kids pizza totally out as protein. My daughter, oh, deed on pizza.
[09:47] She literally will not eat it anymore. And that's what you were hoping would happen with sugar. No, no can do. Right. No can just pizza apparently. Has that affected? Yeah. Not Sugar. And that's another thing what giving the kids too much, like pretty like it. And then that day hits right there like, I don't want this. And then you're like, fuck yes, we're screwed. And then you end up giving them cereal for dinner. Yes. Right. It's the best. When I make like a beautiful chicken stir fry and hot dogs and I'm like, are you kidding me? Hot dogs that does emergency babysitter food. It's that the ones that are wrapped in Fila, doe, oh, especially those are amazing. Especially those. I also, I mean this is not a different topic, but I can't, I find a babysitter who, cogs. Why do I have to cook for them?
[10:52] My name is Jamie fight. I am a registered Dietitian. I have been a nutritionist for over 20 years and I am a mom of four girls and I am doing an online nutrition counseling. I teach parents actually to teach moms how to eat and cook healthy and get healthy food cooked quickly because everybody wants their food cooked quickly and easily so to teach. Basically mom's had a feed their families. I'm healthy and quickly that the kids will like the food that it is so great. So that does that. My stress in life, in life, I'm like, you're still fucking hungry. We just eat a meal last night. Why is their breakfast the next morning? What is wrong with you guys? No, but it's so annoying. There's always a meal, meat meal and it's always, no one takes me into consider. I often, I'm sometimes not eating it. Those meals also everyone in my family wants a different meal.
[11:49] Oh yeah, nobody can. So what's your philosophy on that? Okay, my philosophy on that, if they don't like what you're serving for dinner, they have to eat cereal, which cereal? Whatever I have in the house even. Do you have sugar cereals in the house? Is Amazing. It must not be a lot of objection to that. My kids would be thrilled [inaudible] who are dieting and worried about their weight cereal for dinner or my teenagers, teenager about carbs. By then they're like, three of them are already registered Dietitians. They need know about carbs for like 15 years. Totally wish I knew about it, but the serial problem is it didn't prompt me because my youngest one has celiac disease, so we can only have gluten free cereal in our house. Oh, so nobody really wants to eat the cereal. Anyway. Talk to us about this. Okay. Because there's a lot of sugar in a lot of those healthy foods.
[12:41] The Sugar, the Stony Field Yogurt. I used to get my kids like the bottles have like 14 grams of sugar in there. They're drinking one a day. It was like yogurt drinks. So I'm like, what? This is insane. So now I cut it down to the pouches. The pouches are like nine grams of sugar. Let me explain something to, milk has sugar. So there's natural sugar that occurs in milk. Eight ounces of milk product as 12 grams of sugar. So if it's an eight ounce yogurt, that sugar is the notion Mel, the lactose in the milk is the sugar in the milk, so it's not that bad. It's the high fructose corn syrup. That's bad. That's what we're getting concerned about. Why did you know that high fructose corn syrup comes from corn? Corn is a vegetable. You haven't seen the corn farmers ads like a result of the lobbyists. Okay. First of all, there are different types of carbs. There is like simple carbs and complex carbs and corn, although it is a vegetable. There was a category of vegetables that are starchy vegetables and they are counted in the carb section. Corn is one of them. Potatoes, potatoes, peas, squash like Pumpkin, winter squash or pumpkin. Makes Sense. That's a squash. Those are heavy vegetables. Oh my God. Wait a second. Harvest. Those are carbs because I'm kind of like, why are you getting so upset?
[13:55] Well, they both have fiber. They're still healthy, but they count as a, can you define healthy for us? You should model healthy food for your kids. Forget it. It was just sneak cookies like a fat girl. Everything. No, I literally am like in the corner, sneaky. And they're like, what are you eating? I'm like, nothing. Please go sit down. Okay. So that's the first thing when you want your family to eat healthy. If you're trying to serve healthy food to your children, the first thing you have to do is you have to model it. If they see you eating healthy food, then they're going to want to eat healthy food and maybe not the next day, 30 times later, but they will see you any healthy food. So a way to do that. For example, if you're making like macaroni and cheese for dinner and you put the macaroni and cheese for dinner on the table, also put on the table a salad.
[14:45] I cooked vegetable, some fruit. So they see that what they're eating is not just macaroni and cheese at that meal contains vegetables and fiber and fruit and other things that go with the meal. Does that make sense? Yeah, that makes great sense. So what if they don't take any of the other stuff and they're just keep doing the out the macaroni and cheese? The macaroni is so easy and fast. My issue is salad to me is the hardest. I roast vegetables. I try to roast vegetables every night because it's putting them on a tray. Olive oil, salt like let's go. But I find salads vary, so time consuming and chop him up. There's always someone hanging on my leg when I'm shopping something. Can you give them a job? Let them chop. I give my kids very sharp knives. Right. Do I've done that before? It doesn't end well.
[15:30] How important is it that you chop your vegetables? Like our nutrients leaving the vegetable if I do it the night before? No really? You could make salad on Sunday night and leave it in a CRISPR in the fridge and you're losing a vitamin. No, I often keep washed and cut up vegetables like in containers in the fridge and like Ziploc bags with a paper towel to absorb the moisture or in the salad CRISPR where that has the air come in and then you can use it all week long. Okay, so the macaroni and cheese is there next to the carrots next to the cook to Kini and next to the strawberries. So your kids are saying don't have the Mac and cheese. You're saying right. Let's this a healthy meal is not just, especially for a kid, healthy meal is not just a vegetable. If you would think of like a healthy meal, like in terms of like your plate, you always want your plate to be like half vegetables, one quarter protein, one quarter carb for kids.
[16:27] So if the macaroni and cheese is their protein and their car, the other half should be vegetable but not every kid likes vegetables right away. I love who you said right away. It's right away. I mean they might have to see it or try it 30 times 30 is that the number? It's about 30 but no for real. Is that a number? If I told you 10 years ago, do you like Kale? Would you through looked at me like I'm crazy. What's cow right now? If I ask you, do you like Kelly? You're like, I love Gail. It used to be on the tuna plant as a garnish. Right? Right. Yeah, the bang for the tuna fish. Totally. Now people are like, oh, fail from under the tuna fish and just, okay, so it's about 30 times. Let's say we have a mom listening to us who would has to peck school lunch for her kids, right.
[17:15] What does she should you put in the lunch bag? I would say sandwiches, Turkey sandwiches. The best thing, like I w I pack my kids, I would say pack a sandwich with a meat or a cheese or whatever protein that they like and the vegetable. So I mean if it gets a really picky, you could do like cream cheese and jelly on Hawaii. Isn't cream cheese healthier? It's not annoying. It's a fat. Is that, is it, can I say it's a fat? Okay, fine. I'll take it because I looked at the incorrect thinking cream cheese. This must be so healthy. It's the only thing my son eats whatsoever. But the basis for it is because when you eat carbohydrates alone, you digest them very, very quickly. They, you know, they raise your blood sugar and then you're gone and then you're starving. It doesn't stay in your body.
[17:58] Even even the most complex carb only stays in your body an hour and a half. So if you're giving your kids a school lunch and they're finishing their whole lunch and digesting an hour and a half, and then they're still in school for three hours, they're going to be hungry. They're not going to have the energy to use their brain to focus on their schoolwork. So you have to give them a lunch that's going to keep them full and stay in their stomach longer. So that's why you're throwing on the cheese or the meat, some protein, protein and some fat because the protein and the fat that lays the absorption of that car and it will keep them fuller longer and able to concentrate. That be our rule for every meal. Like in the morning, we should be having a protein. You should always have a protein with your card. Covering carbs alone. Yeah.
[18:35] Okay. How important is breakfast the most important. Really? Is that true? It's a true, but what about all the furniture for sure. Yes. Okay, fine for kids. What about wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Why? Why? For kids for sure. Because your liver only store has a certain amount of energy and your brain needs sugar to think so you're sending your kid off to school. They need glucose from their brain to think if they don't eat breakfast, they've exhausted all the glucose they have. Probably by the end of first period at 10 o'clock they're gone. I remember that. I remember going to school like waking up too late, had to rush to the high school and being starving by 10 o'clock it was probably like low blood sugar, couldn't function and lunch was until 12th right. It's horrible. And then you're grabbing also probably something sugary.
[19:22] They're just kind of get give you that or something. Yeah. And then it doesn't really give you a boost because it raises your blood sugar quickly and then you digest it again and you still don't have the right brain. I buy regular eggs. I buy regular full fat cheese because again, you want the facts. Do you want the fat? Because fat is what delays digestion of sugar. Protein delays. They gestion of sugar, fiber delays, digestion of sugar. Why don't we want the sugar to digest? Cause you said just to quickly you've spike and keep your energy. The reason you wouldn't want your kids to just eat sugar in the morning, right? Like technically a bowl of cereal with milk is just like eating all sugar. Like my kids don't eat them for breakfast. I eat it for dinner. Your kids, right? Well, yeah, if they don't like what I'm cooking.
[20:15] So Jamie, you were telling us that one of your kind of missions now is to help moms like prepare quick. Yes. Healthy, nutritious meals. So the, the business that I'm starting is because what I find that all the patients would tell me when they come in and is like what do I, how do I get a cooked quickly and found my to get my family to like it? What do I have to pay to make it happen? Right. Exactly. So I said, well, I'm just going to do that because that's what the moms want to know. When you get home from work, you're tired, you're exhausted, you're kids are hungry and the last thing you want to do is sit down and spend three hours making dinner. So you give them whatever's easy. And I decided that no one will eat. Okay. Yes. That nobody will eat right.
[20:50] So what do you do? You give them what they're going to eat. That's fast chicken nuggets. Pizza, macaroni and cheese. Exactly. Anything that was, you know exactly who told you? We don't, we have a spin the wheel every night like oh chicken nuggets again, sorry kids. It's a process. But there are ways to make healthy food like tastes good. You know what I mean? So if you're going to make, even if you made on Sundays like so on Sundays you made, you know a family pack of grilled chicken cutlets and then you roasted vegetables or you precut salad, you could theoretically like come home from work and even if you were making them chicken sandwiches, you know, um, like a bread that they would eat it. You could still give them cut up vegetables on the side cause you already had them pre cut like in the refrigerator cars, some roasted vegetables like cause you already made them like at the beginning of the week.
[21:44] So some of that preparation is just going to help her. She's keen. My kids absolutely love fruit and I wonder if I'm giving them too much ever because fruit has a ton of sugar in it. It's natural sugar and it has fiber. Okay. So, so when my son takes a package of raspberries and then consumed the entire package of resumes, no problem. No problem. There's so much fiber and raspberry and then he takes another parent. We've totally fine with that. And then he takes a package of black men. He said, I must go to the bathroom. Then he sends a long time with a bathroom. It's so awesome that that's what he's taking. My kids would be reaching for pretzels. Right. That's great. We have a lot of that stuff. But you do not discourage that. Don't discourage it with him. It's portion control. Whenever I'm with him it's just like more and more and more and more and more.
[22:31] And I'm like, just slow down with chew your food, give your body five minutes. It takes 20 minutes to your brain to know that your stomach is full. Okay. So if people that inhale all their food and they feel like it's sick afterwards, that they ate too much is because they ate too fast. So like when you eat, you should eat your food, put your fork down, chew it, swallow it, and then pick your fork up again. And are these like conversations you have with kids? Like would you have the parents and parents right there? You've been in this practice for 20 years. Have you seen the rate of childhood obesity go up sky rocketing? Why? What is it? American portions. Okay. Okay. So when we were kids, a big Gulp soda was like, you know, 16 ounces. Now big golf is 64 ounces. Like when you had a can of soda when we were kids, it's like a little eight ounce can soda now they're 16 and she this thing.
[23:26] Yeah. So the portions in America are number one enormous. That's the first problem. The second problem is we have become a very inactive society. So the kids are not coming home and playing stick ball or basketball in the street. They're sitting there, you know, with the pads and tablets and whatever and video games and that moving. The kids are not moving, they're not active. The amount of gym they have in school is much less than we were. And the food that is in our stores to sit, stay on the shelf longer, has a lot of preservatives and things like high fructose corn syrup. And that's what I told you before. The high fructose corn syrup is not a natural substance that your body recognizes what it is. So when you ingest high fructose corn syrup, your body doesn't know how to break it down. So well it does, but things that it doesn't know how to break down.
[24:16] Kind of like alcohol, it just stores it as fat. So every time you give your kids high fructose corn Syrup, they just store it as fat. Now no one has the most high fructose corn Syrup, whole wheat bread stop. What are you talking about? Regular whole wheat bread. Unless you actually see the grains and the bread, like the regular, like you know like the wonder wheat. So what, so what should we be? What kind of whole grain bread that actually has fiber in it? That's why like the kids in our society, between all those things are just getting heavier and heavier and heavier. What was soda? So the [inaudible] anyway. How much water should the kids be drinking? Half their weight and ounces. Half their weight in ounces, but like if you weigh 150 pounds, that's 75 ounces of water a day. That's a lot of waterfalls.
[25:06] That's a lot of water. So the same is true for adults. I'm going to stop eating. Oh my God. I want to go back to the picky eaters cause I think that there's just so many in it seems like you're probably deal with that a lot. Okay, so going back you said you have to, it really introduced something 30 times, 30 times. You want to model behavior that you want your kids to follow it. You want to have it present on the table. Okay. And what if they still don't like vegetables? Like what if you, you're doing all those things, just keep doing it. My oldest daughter is almost 18 when she was younger, she would only eat things that had no texture and were white like she would eat like plain pasta, you know, yellow cheese and I don't even know what like the white part of the egg only or I like those things.
[25:52] Now she eats like leaves me shopping lists, get all these ingredients so I can batch cook my lunches and this like cat, like flowers. We'd say I don't care. I'm like, I'm years later from all of that modeling and all that cooking, she finally going on. Okay, so this is not an overnight fix. A lot of kids go through stages. A lot of kids are very picky about texture, about color. Don't worry. There's hope for them. Just keep modeling, keep putting it on the table, encouraging them to eat it. Like if you even have to encourage them to read it, you should just eat it, just eat it. What do you do immediately when they get home from school and they're ravenous? I would give them a healthy snack, which is an apple with peanut butter, celery sticks with cream cheese. In the middle of Protein Bar, a Greek yogurt and fruit salad and or a bill and nuts.
[26:42] Right. I need to be more prepared. I think that's part of my takeaway here. So hard. There's no time, there's no time to prepare is killer. But you can buy now in the store is like you can buy individual packets of it. Obama tried in a mama you can buy into a trader Joe's has great little one ounce packages of trail mix. That's great for the kids. Right when they come off my daughter out the chocolate. But yes. Yeah. Even if it has the chocolate and chocolate is not so bad for you. Right. That like chocolate actually can be healthy for you. It's like red wine in right yaks and stuff. It's fine. But those trail mix, what's good about them? Their portion control there. One ounce packages so you can buy the whole package of trader Joe's with ten one ounce packages. That's an area that is a great idea to have it out when you just have to take it out in the morning and put it on the on the counter.
[27:29] Right. You have to do anything. You just have to take it out. Right, right. Yeah. I can do that. I can take something out of the cabinet. Any final thoughts, Jamie, for us? Any either words of advice or tips? Thanks for moms. The number one advice is modeling for your kids healthy food, and the second thing is at all cost, avoid high fructose corn syrup. Okay. Mom's, you've heard of here. We're coming to your kitchen tonight to check your cabinets. Yeah, and to see what you're sneaking when your kids go to sleep. Jamie, thank you so much, Jamie. This is amazing. I appreciate it. This was great. This is great. You gave us a lot to think about.
[28:17] Wow. Jamie really had a lot of great tips. Yes. I have to say, yeah, I know that there are lots of schools of thought, right about some of the stuff that she talked about. She's kind of middle road. Yeah. I felt so much better. Yeah. As like a mom trying to feed my kids nutritiously right. Is that a word? Nutritiously hey, you know, I said, I don't know because she just, she didn't say I have to go and start making everything from scratch. Right. She made me feel like, okay, if you give your kids noodles and cheese, you're covering two food groups. And I was just like, wow. Okay. So we have one that we have noodles and cheese, we have pizza, bagels, like, and it just, I maybe it's not like that's how it's supposed to be in the universe, but that's reality. I'm with you, I have to say, you know?
[29:11] Yes. And I appreciated that. I wanted her nutritional advice to sort of kick me in the ass. Yeah. That's what I was looking for. I was looking for someone to be like, Donna, too much sugar. Stop giving your kids this, that and the, you know. Yeah, she was. She was. Yes. And I think that this will speak to a lot of moms. She will validate the fact that, okay, this is life and kids like sugar and kids, but I needed an extra, I need an extreme personality to be like, stop the insanity because in my house we're pulling in the front were, I'm like digging through the freezer sometimes. Yeah. And that's dead food, right? If it's freezer burned, do you think it loses nutritional value? Just to let my son eat packages of fruit pouch and it'd be a problem. Okay. How's that going for you?
[29:59] Oh my God, he did it again tonight. Stop shopping at whole foods just because that's not the place to buy your fruit. If he's eating. Not The organic I am for sure. You're reading in bulk, you get nonorganic. Absolutely. That's tough. So you get the pesticides may get the buses, nothing like some pesticide that will curb your appetite a little bit. Absolutely. No, but listen, that's her business and like you said it, she probably speaks to a lot of moms were really, and us included, you know, horror strapped for time, want to get something on the table that's nutritious, you know, wholesome food. So I think that she's really speaking to an audience that, that needs that, those tips in that advice. I also really appreciated the idea of presenting it to a kid 30 times. Did you experiment with 30 times? So while it hasn't been 30 times yet, but I put roasted vegetables in front of them every single night and truthfully two of my kids try them the other night, which was really awesome.
[30:56] And I have one child who hates chicken and tried the chicken. So yeah, I think there's something to that. I really do. I really do. And it was so it was very helpful to me when she talked about her daughter, like hating vegetables when she was younger, but now as I think she was in high school or college or something. Yeah. You know, now she, cause she was because of her exposure to it all the time and now she's really into it. So it's true. Like what happens tonight for dinner might not have any impact on what's going to happen, you know, in life and you know, five years down the road. Right. So, you know, definitely not stressing out like we have been about it. And good luck, everyone with dinner tonight. Just another meal and another meal. Yeah, it's like groundhog day with the meals and the snacks. Snacks. Fucking kill me. I know. So thanks so much for tuning in everybody, and don't forget to subscribe so that you could be the first to receive notifications about our next podcast.
Hey moms, this is Donna Hay and I'm Adina. Welcome back to. Are we there yet? Moms? Today we're talking about unsex unsexting and I like that. Donna, it sounds like we don't text sexy things to other people, but. Well, only people I'm related to. Yeah, so we thought that a really important part of parenthood is sex or not so well actually or not. We were trying to figure out is an important part of parenthood. Facts were clear, unclear.
Speaker 1: 00:14 Hey moms, this is Donna Hay and I'm Adinah. Welcome back to Are we there yet Moms? Today we're talking about unsex unsexting - I like that. Donna, it sounds like we don't text sexy things to other people. Well, only people I'm related to. Yeah, so we thought that a really important part of parenthood is sex or not. So well actually or not. We were trying to figure out is an important part of parenthood. Unclear. Unclear.
Just from my personal experience, I could not have been a parent without having sex so that I know for sure. So I've had sex three times in 10 years. Oh my God. Me Too. Me Too. That's crazy. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? Right. We thought that this would be a really important topic to put out there because as Donna and I have discussed many times this is a topic that people don't discuss openly and this is a topic that we feel is so important in a relationship and we wanted to really bring about awareness.
Adinah: 01:24 You know what? I was the horniest when I was pregnant.
Donna: Oh, I've heard that before. I was like, what's wrong with me? Is it a thing? Because the thing is that's what makes us human beings different, right, is that we do it for pleasure. Except you know Dolphins also do it for pleasure.
Adinah: Really? Yeah. I didn't know that about dolphins.
Donna: Dolphins sitting there with his cigarette afterwards. Then what happens after you have a baby? See Ya.
Adinah: Yeah. No more. I mean, does anyone have any interest in sex after they have given birth to a baby? I don't get it. I just don't understand it. I just don't understand how people could find the time and the energy, especially in that first year, but also in that first year, you can't imagine considering even making another one of these monsters. So it's actually just stay away from me because look what happened.
Adinah: 02:15 Exactly. A thousand men and women were surveyed about sex that was posted on parenting.com. Forty five percent said they have sex with their partner once or twice a week. That's pretty good. That's almost half once or twice a week. Okay. And that's the most. Okay. So no one's having sex more than twice a week according to the survey.
Donna: I have friends having an everyday it. There's no way. It's not possible. They're lying. They're definitely lying. Thirty percent. Only get it on once or twice a month. Okay. Ten percent do the deed less than once a month and 15 percent said sex. What's that? Another 66 percent of respondents flat out say that their relationship with their kids is more important than their relationship with their partner. But there's a warning against that if the parents aren't loving and connected, you know, you gotta make the most out of the relationship. There's a lot to that actually to building that relationship. Right. So it's not all about sex. You can have sex with anybody. Yeah, I could. I'd like to. It's been 10 years. It's a long time. So we thought, how can we find a mom who would be open to talking to us about her sex life? We checked out the Carpool line, we checked out the birthday party, dropoff and we finally found her.
Inbal: So I'm Inbal and I'm 41. I've got three kids, 13, 11, and not a seven. Whoops. Whoops. How old are they? I missed the nine. One was going to have four and I skip that one. What happened to that kid? That kid we were so busy with the second kid. I'm going to get to the third. So we skipped. That always happens. So today we're here to talk about sex or the lack of sex in some people's cases. First of all, thanks for being on our show today. Are we there yet moms? You're brave. I love you guys. How has sex changed since you had kids? Since I had kids. This is gonna sound crazy. It was really bad after children because I think I was just. We were overwhelmed and exhausted, but I think that now it's better than it has ever been. Now that the kids are a little older. I think the kids are older. I think we're older. I think we're older and our relationship and we kind of know, know what we like and what we want. We're on the same rhythm of how much we want and how often we want and how we want it.
Donna:: 04:35 So yeah. Did that happen because you started getting more sleep? I do think that it probably was a good two years after the last one. I knew she was the last one. We were like, okay, now sex can be fun again. Did you guys actually have to like schedule sex? Like tomorrow night we're having sex. No, no, we don't do that. I think my husband always gives me the look. I think my husband's always on. I think men, for the most part, the men, the women I speak to, I know from my friends, almost all the husbands, there are some anomalies. The men are always ready, right? They're always like, just give me the look and we're there. Right? Because it's like we're on. Right. Whereas we kind of need to prep right to shave our legs. We need to emotionally get ready. We need to get warmed up. Like it's not just like, boom, can you show us the look?
Inbal: 05:26 It looks like, look, you've all probably seen him give it to me at some point because the look is always there. He's waiting for me to give him the look that you kind of alluded to frequency. Right? So in terms of frequency of sex before kids, when you had little kids now, so caveat, I have been with my husband since I was 20, right. So back then we were young and we were beautiful and my head no responsibilities and it was fantastic rabbits when the kids came I would say maybe twice a month, you know, when they were really young, more so because I think he really, he really wanted, even though I didn't and I was like I'm going to override that because much like our children, we find the patience to deal with them. So I found the patience too once in a while - I would say probably twice a month, twice a month when they were really young and now as they get older, unless you keep having babies and then you kind of restart can and then, which is by the way, why we don't have a fourth because that's also a piece of it.
So we find it finally find your intimacy and it's like quiet and you can like stay out late and not worry about waking up early. Right? Because you don't wake up at six anymore, they don't really know. Your seven year old doesn't wake up. She wakes up at like seven, which is still doable. And so she wakes up and she grabs a yogurt and she hangs out with the dogs. Right. That's great. So you've got a dog.
Inbal: 07:00 Yeah. Interesting. So I would say, yeah, twice every month. Then now to probably, I would say three times a week on average, but not planned. Just the look. Never planned. I want it to be spontaneous. You want it. Let's do this. Come and get it.
Adinah: Have any of your kids ever walked in on you? Not My children. My mother in law. My sister in law. A cop once. And my parents heard us on the intercom. Yes. No. Yeah. That we know are involved. Yeah. Oh, you notice we noticed but probably later than my parents would have liked. So I got an international call and she got very excited and they live in a house. Nobody has locks on the doors, they don't. And also the concept of knocking before is kind of not quite there. So it was late at night and uh, somebody, I think a friend called me from somewhere and she got very excited to get me the phone and so she got a beautiful picture of my buttocks in her face. There are positions you can kind of make work. This was not one of those. And the sex.? So there's going to be a lock on this door. You're never going to have sex in your mother's house. All of us were just, we, it took us a minute. Compose ourselves.
Speaker 2: 08:40 And the cop? We were stupid and we did it in the car again, this was way before kids a little bit after wedding. It wasn't last week. We're just stupid. And who would thought, you know, literally like the movies shines your flashlight, the flashlight into the car, a little tick tick on the window, open the window and looks at me. He goes, you're good. I'm like, I'm good.
Adinah: Here's a hypothetical. What if you never had sex again? I think it'd be fine really when I didn't have it. Right. When, when you're having the kids in it really. It wasn't like, oh my God, I can't wait to go back to that. But I think I think I could do it. I don't know if I actually need it. I just know that when I have it. It's amazing. So you enjoy it but you wouldn't miss it? I don't think so. Maybe I'm being. I don't know. I feel like it's not something I think about. Right. Of course. Right. I don't know. I think maybe girls don't think about it as much in the daily. Do guys really think about it or do they just?
Donna: 09:49 Have you been married? Yeah. Even on the subway all the time. Can't you tell? Oh, and they're usually the starters. Right? So yeah, if I wasn't gonna have it anymore and obviously he's not giving, you know, looking for the look. I do it because he looks at me and then I'm like, okay, I can do this. I got that and I love it after. Right, right. It's like working out. You don't want to put the clothes on, you don't want to like get yourself physically, emotionally prepared, but when it's done and you're like, that was amazing. I feel so good now. Yeah. It's Kinda like going out. I could go to bed. Then when I do go out, when we go out, even if you know past midnight, I'm like, that was awesome. And the next morning, that's the only thing, but it was never not worth it.
Donna: 10:39 It's never not worth it. I'm so glad I pushed myself so I'm looking at him sex, but I could also go to bed because the point, I don't need it a physical sense that I think that sex, especially if it's good and it's open, is a way to connect. Right? And is a way to make each other feel good and not just physically right. Again, him wanting to have sex with me, me telling him to sexist. Wait. I think that that kind of creates this great feeling that you know, we are connected and we do communicate. We know what we want and sometimes we're not in the mood for what we normally want and I'll be like, I want it, but it's got to be quick like you gotta like was going because I want. I want the end. I don't know. The story embark gave us a lot to think about. Yeah, but I think we realized we really needed to talk to an expert but decided to take a road trip to Philadelphia and meet the most mellow sex therapist out there. You can tell my couples, go home and have sex after a session with this chick, sorry, helper and I have five kids. My youngest is 14. My oldest is 30. I thought I will never be home full time with my kids. This is just not for me. I'll shoot myself. It's like I can't do it. And
Speaker 3: 11:54 then I started staying home more and I actually was shocked at how much I loved it. When my youngest was maybe three or four. I said, okay, well he's going to start school. Am I going to go back to law or am I going to do something else? I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and then there's three letters cst, which is certified sex therapist, goddess of sex therapy.
Speaker 1: 12:21 It seems like there are very few topics that are taboo nowadays, but sex still seems to be one of them.
Speaker 3: 12:28 We have a very weird cultural message in the United States in particular around sexuality. We are living in a hypersexualized age. Just write any subway or whatever. Right. You've got point in your pocket. Twenty four slash seven, right.
Speaker 1: 12:42 How did you know what was in my pocket? Sorry, ADina.
Speaker 3: 12:48 Yeah, so it's just such a weird message here. Writes hypersexuality and at the same time not a discussion of like real what does it mean? Like what's the meaning to people in their lives and how important it is to their sense of themselves and their connection with their partners. So it's like we're skimming the surface, but the, the deeper, which is I think touches on a lot of core areas of identity and connection and your place in the world, that kind of thing. I think that's why we don't have a clear roadmap on how to navigate that. What is the definition of sexuality with a couple? So the old definition is, you know, intercourse that sexuality, but one of the ways to think about sexuality is to think about your own level of eroticism, which is an, uh, an ability to kind of wake up and experience pleasure and have all your senses activated in that experience of pleasure. So with a couple you can have a really sensual erotic experience with your partner at dinner. Right? You can have it if you're both really laughing together and enjoying each other in that way.
Speaker 1: 14:03 And you were defined that as central and erotic. I would, yeah, because like I could do that with a roommate. Yeah. So it feels different. It feels different. What you have a roommate. I thought you were married. You also. Sometimes we're learning a lot about. So
Speaker 3: 14:20 I guess one of the main things that I would want people listening to kind of take away from this is to allow themselves the freedom to take the pressure off of themselves in their, in their partner relationship. Like, oh, we only had sex three times this month. Our marriage suck. Okay. So if you want to have sex more often, that's a great goal and you can talk to each other about how can we make that happen, like what's getting in the way, like what's preventing us from having that time together, but to not discount all the ways you can connect with each that can help build a positive erotic relationship with the other person. And the number one thing I see in my practice is lack of desire. That's the number one presenting issue by both parties. Surprisingly. I have had it with a number of men as well.
Speaker 3: 15:09 It's actually a hidden thing that people think that guys are always ready to go and many of them are not, not right. But um, for women in particular, that's the number one thing that I see as lack of desire to see it post children more often. Yeah. Because your, you know, your body takes a big hit. Yeah. Yeah. And also, um, your whole sort of relationship to your body, to your. If you were breastfeeding to your press, like this was in May, you may have felt this was a very sexy or erotic part of your body. And now it's like very functional, right? How do I get past that? And to be, to feel that it's erratic again. So there's also like a normalization of sort of the ups and downs of a sexual desire over the lifetime. So like, you know, you can take a pretty big dip after you have a baby, um, and when your kids are little and you're sleep deprived.
Speaker 3: 16:02 And so one of the things I said to a couple recently in a session, I said, you know, guys, you not about this issue, but it's really important to contextualize that the concern you're having and that catastrophize if you've just had a baby or you have two or three little kids and you haven't slept through the night in weeks and you're like, okay, so I want to have sex tonight. I'm too tired. I want to say I'm too tired. It's like just to add to that, and there's always someone touching me, but the last thing I want at the end of the day is someone else touching me. Okay. I will try to keep my hands off of you guys.
Speaker 1: 16:39 The rest of the podcast. I apologize. I should have worn clothes for this podcast. We'd seen you like this.
Speaker 3: 16:49 A lot of the, the thinking around sexuality and about what helps is your own ownership of your sexuality. So it's like how do I feel about myself and this body that these kids are all over and touching or whenever. How do I get this body back to a place where it's like not only available for my children but it's actually available for myself. Right. So it's not even so much about the partner, it's about your relationship to your own body. So sometimes that takes the pressure off of the relationship when it stops being like, okay, well how has my partner making me feel and what's, you know, what is he or she doing or not doing that they should be doing to make me feel this way? It's like, how can I kind of just take a minute and be back tuned in to my own responses and my own physiology and and.
Speaker 3: 17:44 Yeah, and that takes. That takes time. That takes time. You have to have to have some mental space to do that. One thing that kills desire is I have to feel desirous a lot of the exercises that couples are given to help with kind of creating desire is, is not about necessarily intercourse based. It's about expanding their connection physically with just touch touch and so that way they have some freedom to get tuned in back to their own body's responses in a non pressured way and then then desire can kind of have freedom to surface. One thing which makes this a little bit more complicated for women is that the sexual response cycle for women has been found to be different than the way it was originally studied with masters and Johnson. So there's like a series of things, right? In order to get to, let's say, orgasms, so it used to be with a linear was kind of a linear journey, right?
Speaker 3: 18:57 I had desire, arousal, plateau, orgasm, and then a refractory period if I wanted to start again. Does that makes sense? Okay. So what they found was for women, um, arousal very often has to precede desire, which means that their bodies have to have some physiological cuing in to feeling it before mentally desire is going to kick in. So it's a catch 22, right? If I don't feel like being, I don't, I don't feel in the mood, so I don't want my partner and touching me. Right? But you're saying the touching has to start, right? So in fire. Correct. So in some ways it can be your partner, it can be yourself, it can be something you watch, it can be having the sunshine on your bag, whatever it is that gets you kind of more awake, a radically a wig that has to be in place before desire kicks in. And that was, um, studied by this woman. I don't know if I'm pronouncing her name, my bathroom. So, and this is like a circular model of desire.
Speaker 1: 20:10 What I heard you saying is that we'll never be in the mood. Basically. There's never going to be desire. All right. It's never going to start with desire.
Speaker 3: 20:19 I don't think you'll never be in the mood because there will be things that will trigger your desire, for example, and the same woman, Beth and who did this study so that women have what's called responsive desire, so that it could be. If you see your partner doing great stuff, let's say taking care of your kids, right? Or let's say they have elderly sick parent and they take incredible care of their mom.
Speaker 1: 20:43 Is that what you're saying? It's a big turn on for some women like porn for some women. Interesting. Watching, watching someone's husband taking care of their mom is like porn. Yeah. Pushing her in a wheelchair. Good. Like let's go. I would think more of like hammering in the nail like that could do it for someone loading the dishwasher. You know what? That's not a small thing. That's a big deal. It's not a big deal.
Speaker 3: 21:14 This whole marriage thing is kind of hard, right? It's hard and that's why the sexuality is important because if you can in the marriage could have so many challenges, but if you can look at your partner and he and they look at you as a very loving presence and a source of pleasure. It does help navigate some of the other things that are hard, so that's why it's important, but I don't think nobody comes in knowing how to do it. Everybody. I think everybody's working on it in different ways throughout their married and everybody thinks that other couples are having more sex than they are.
Speaker 1: 21:57 That is for sure. I hear that. Like the average. Okay. To ask you that, what's the average? So I think nobody tells the truth about their own sexuality in general. I think yeah, it was a lot of pressure to sound like you've got this together, you are sexy, you are this couple who's just got to go and keep your hands off each other. He's chasing me around and it's such a burden to have to keep sending him off. I know, I know. I feel your pain,
Speaker 3: 22:27 so that's why I'm not going to say, and I, I really feel like it depends on, on, on the couple. And what works for them. There's no number you have to hit.
Speaker 1: 22:36 Okay. Can we work backwards once a year? There's a problem. I just thought it was
Speaker 3: 22:48 couples come to see me who haven't had sex in 10 years and they are, they are good friends, they are really good friends. I think what happens is they have a bad experience together, which they consider a bad experience either some sexual concern that comes up during their interaction and then they start to avoid. So one person's reaches for the other the next time and they don't get the response they were looking for. And then that pattern solidifies until the person who's been the initiator says, you know what, I can't handle all this rejection. So I'm going to stop. I'm going to stop trying. And then that becomes, that becomes the way they, they found there are many people who are not seeing sex therapists who are not having sex anymore. Um, and they're, you know, and there are a lot of people who have robust sexual connections, their whole married life into their seventies, eighties have traumatic.
Speaker 3: 23:50 Is it for kids to walk in on their parents? I think almost every. I'm trying to think if I've ever had a couple tell me that they never saw their parents having. Oh yeah. I walked in when I was 10. Oh my God. My Dad was on top of my mom. That was awful. I went, yeah, I mean, I, I. it's amazing how many people have had that experience. It's just, I think living together, living in the same house. Yeah. I mean I don't recommend it. You don't invite to children's invitations and they don't talk about it in a traumatic way just in a matter of fact. This is what happened. I have not. Had that come up as a real traumatic memory. No, I'd say they do have a visual. So a lock on the bedroom door is generally a good idea.
Speaker 3: 24:34 The biggest sexual organ is the brain. So there's so many ways to wake up theoretic grade. If I start to feel better about my own body, well then my, my sexuality may improve. If I can look at my partner, I'm with more positive lenses and not such critical lenses, then that can help. If, if we can express between each other on a. If we can try to talk to each other about how much this relationship means to us. That can help. There's so many ways that you can make it better. Warmer. I'm sure the audience would love to hear sort of thing ideas that you have where we can create these little people to be sexually healthy and aware individuals. I always go back and ask people that families of origin and what were the overt and covert messages they got about sexuality and those are always such a fun session.
Speaker 3: 25:34 People never really thought about that. Like what were the messages growing up about sexuality and what was said to me specifically outright like, and you can imagine some of the things. I had one person whose mom told him, whatever you do, you can never get a girl pregnant and that stuck with him for years. They could not find any physiological reasons why he was having trouble with erectile dysfunction, and so I don't know if that was, you know, I can't know, but it was, he felt it, like his description of that message was that he better never do that to someone. Right. That's just one example. But uh, in terms of covert messages, which is the environment that you're in, like what's the messaging around sexuality here? Did my parents hug each other? When one reach for the other, do they cringe? You know, what was that like?
Speaker 3: 26:27 And was it appropriate? Was it appropriate reaching and touching in front of the kids? For the people who are listening, I would say just show positive signs of affection for each other in front of your kids. It's such a great gift to give them to moms with younger kids. First of all, you're all awesome. That's the number one method because there is no time in your life where so much is asked of you without people being able to say, great job. You're giving all the time. Everyday you wake up and it's like, okay, it's so much. It's coming. Generating from you two other little people, they need things from you constantly and if you're working people need things from you at work and then you come home and the kids need more stuff from you. So first of all, just to normalize that, that's effect of your life.
Speaker 3: 27:18 Like this isn't a time in your life where people need a lot of stuff from you and to be like, okay, it's like I, I have this capacity to give, which makes me an emotional warrior, right? Which really makes me like wonder woman, right? Uh, in that way. And then what do I need to recharge a little bit? So then I have this capacity because you can't just, you can't just keep going in one direction, otherwise you get super depleted. And what that's gonna look like for every person will be different. It's very important to share with your partner how hard that is sometimes because the two of you are the two people on the frontline who are really seeing this every day. Like, oh my gosh, these kids are great, but they're. So. It really is. Who else has the front row seat to that better than the person you're living with? The more you guys can share that with each other, I think the better you're going to feel. And also if this is the hardest thing, which is to take time, take time, whatever that looks like for you. For some people it's going to barnes and noble for an hour to read a book. For other people it's getting up and going to what's that crazy requests?
Speaker 3: 28:38 For some people it's, you know, getting a manicure, whatever it is, but to try and affect her in some time for self care. Um, and also, but the most powerful thing we have is our own self narrative. What we tell ourselves everyday, how we talk to ourselves and everybody's talking about himself all day long. We all do it. Like the voice inside our head that says, you know, I can do this. Like, well I got through this day, this was such a tough day. And there were bumps, but I did it. Hooray for me or whatever, whatever that is. But like, how you reflect on your own experience is the most powerful message and just make sure you're giving yourself words of encouragement, you know, really read because you deserve it. Here's my question for you. What's your takeaway? My takeaway from the whole, the interview with Surrey, the interview from Ambo is that
Speaker 2: 29:43 sex is actually important in a relationship. I agree. I've always thought so we have to figure out how to get back there. What was your biggest takeaway? I'd say my biggest takeaway was that, you know, we're in sort of this limbo. We're in limbo in terms of having little children and also wanting to, you know, keep up the relationship with our spouse, meaning I think involve validated that it really is the awesome before you have kids, right? Hopefully. And then they come along and these sort of just kill it, kill literally one day there's going to be a kid who goes downstairs and makes them own breakfast so that you could just do whatever the hell you want, you know, in your bedroom. So that was exciting to me. I think another interesting thing was that, uh, I feel like people lie. Yeah. That was the big takeaway for me, Donald.
Speaker 2: 30:43 Yeah. I know I am and I believe them. We'll leave them. I still believe my friend who tells me she has sex every day. Lying. Why do people feel this pressure to lie about it? Why do people care what other people think? Right? Are they discussing it in the first place? So funny because I would totally go the opposite direction with that. I would totally be the one to be like, what? Sex, right? I wouldn't be the one to lie and be like, oh my God, yeah. We're having sex toys a day. I don't understand. I don't understand extreme. Yeah. Yeah, I would. If you're going to lie, like make it sound really believable. Like we know you guys are both working. That's not happening. Who can find seven minutes in a day?
Speaker 2: 31:24 Oh Wow. Long time. And you know, people don't really lie about their sex lives, so people lie about everything. It would seem. So it would seem so. So that's maybe another takeaway. Don't trust people also. You know, I liked the stories that about you because I was really obsessed with asking her what the frequency should be. I just feel like I kinda need a checklist. I've checklists for everything you need like a posted any like opposed it like I want to be like check. Yeah. Yeah. Like, Oh, three times. Great. Let's do it. Right. Because we had, we did it and I actually feel good after I accomplish those things. So it's not like I'm just doing it for that sticker but. Right. But it helped me, made me feel like stop making your sticker chart for what's going on. Just chill out. It has to be whatever's right for you and your partner right in the moment. And she was very clear about that but it has to be about normalizing what's going on for you in the moment because tomorrow's going to be a whole different day and it's gonna be a different situation. Well maybe not for us. Maybe it's going to be a lot more of the same. Maybe the day after that. Maybe the disaster that. So thanks so much for tuning in everybody, and don't forget to subscribe that you can be the
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[00:00:15] Hey moms this is Donna. Hey and I'm Adina. Welcome back to Are We There Yet moms Adina, Are we there yet. No. In fact I'm getting farther away. Well if you're tuning in we guess you're also not there yet. So welcome back.
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[00:01:04] This whole like not getting sleeping is like a real thing. Oh yeah. You really can lose your mind over it. There's fleeting thoughts there is. Oh yeah. You know I might when my first baby was born. I didn't sleep. It was like by choice. I was so nervous that he was going to stop breathing.
[00:01:18] I remember thinking everyone who's coming over to visit was gonna steal my baby. Wow. I was like they're here to kidnap him. Oh my God. That's how crazy it was. Thank God. I verbalize that to a friend of mine and she was like .. I think you need to sleep!
[00:01:37] No. But like it was real in my head. Yeah.
[00:01:39] And remember those first couple days you're like on such a high end so much adrenaline I feel like I'm okay. I got this I'm a good mom a couple days into it. Yeah I just you crash crash and you know what. And I have to say you never recover.
[00:01:52] No you don't. I mean you know there are moments. Yeah there are moments. And then you have another kid like once it's good you have another kid.
[00:02:00] Yeah messes it all up. That's what we did we said oh you know our son sleeping through the night. He's doing OK. He's so cute. He's a year old. Time to have another baby. Yep yep. Was wrong with us. I don't know. There's a big mistake. Big here. A huge mistake.
But I wonder you know our kids are still young like my oldest son was seven. So I wonder if it's gonna get better because I don't sleep through the night ever. I thought you do know that my littlest Jimmy my littlest is up at least once a night. And then what do you do with her. She has to go to the bathroom. That's all she's waking me for now.
But that's not out there in her room. Yes. And she does it by herself. She's totally toilet trained but she needs you. Yes. Oh that's so annoying. So annoying. And then I'm like one of those people that when I'm up I'm up. Yeah. So then my mind starts racing and I'm on you know shopping on Amazon and then I end googling cancer and you know and diagnosing myself.
Oh my. I have everything. Yeah I had alias at one point. Know I think I actually had one. Yeah I may have been the only person who has recovered from that.
[00:03:08] Oh my God. Or I still have it. I'm
[00:03:17] So tired. Yeah we are. Yeah. Really. It's so early so. But it. But there's no day there's no night the drive is just going right. That's how I feel. Can I please wait. No you can't. Because I need to talk right now because go Here's part of exhausted OK I have no ability to retain thoughts. Oh great.
[00:03:37] So if I don't say right now what I was going to say I will not be able to recover that I'm with you I'm with you that's all I wanted to say forget so many things during the day and I'm like well did I just do that I don't like being that forgetful person.
[00:03:51] Yeah it's horrible. I think that part of the issue is that not only are we not getting enough sleep during the night but the kids still wake up early. I know that by the time I get to define early when I get there in the morning I've had a full day. I have had a full day. We have had three meals. Yep I have had three cups of coffee. I have engaged in several wardrobe changes lots of visits to the bathroom. I mean it's been a full day a whole day of work and then I get there and have to start a full day and then it's 9:00 o'clock and then it's 9:00.
[00:04:23] Literally. Exactly. That's my day. So when they complain that they're hungover I I'm like Yeah. I'll deal later. That was your choice.
[00:04:33] You know what though it's a very similar feeling.
[00:04:36] Exactly. So that was a choice. Right. It's well you know you made a choice did I. You made a choice to have these little monsters.
[00:04:43] I know and I can make it a choice to ignore them or abandon them. I've thought about that. Can I tell you what happened to me a few months ago. I smelled gas at midnight and my husband was like just leave it. I was like No if you smell gas I feel like this is a big deal. Big deal yes. Right. Good call hello. I called 911. I said I you know I don't want to bother you guys. It's just a little bit of gas.
[00:05:06] I don't want you to sound like a whole platoon you know to come and save me right now but I don't think he's going to make it right. Yeah I guess to make that choice.
[00:05:14] So at midnight I'm like in a robe and like Backdraft walks in. OK. Like a whole crew of Billy Baldwin amazing.
[00:05:24] I was so embarrassed and he was like like in their boots in their helmets.
[00:05:30] And I was like no one I wish that my saleswoman was Aya. Oh yeah. That too. I wish my seven year old son was awake because he would have been like wow. So I'm like Can I take a picture of you guys. They were so annoyed. Like I needed to show him that like these men were in my house. Right. Number two there was no leak. I was so embarrassed.
[00:05:55] Anyway this has nothing to do with sleep that employment Sure. No actually Donna why this has a lot to do with sleep. Tell me. Because you start imagining things when you're tired like the smell of gas you're no doubt. These are high it could be when I say yes I'm always so worried or so worried about that there's gonna be a fire that there's a gas leakage that there is. Yes. Yes 100 percent.
[00:06:15] And if we actually were well arrested we could speak regularly talking normally in speak incoherent sentences. We are well rested. We could be a little more relaxed. That's when I think the rational and logical would kick in I think that we're not using those parts of our brain.
[00:06:37] The craziest part for me is when I'm driving home from work I am exhausted like falling asleep at the wheel. Yeah that's right is making it very dangerous. The car ride is making me tired. And I remember someone once telling me like with adult sleep it takes several days to get back into it for sure a good rhythm and I don't have that kind of time.
[00:06:58] I needed to be home one night. You know like I just need it to be one night. I'm really excited to be injuring Diana Snyder. Me too. I can't wait to talk to her. Yeah. Wait to pick her brain. I know. We really need a sleep expert. You need someone to help us get these kids to sleep again and help them stay asleep. Absolutely. I'm a little embarrassed to tell her that maybe she comes and sleeps with me. I think I'm gonna give her a. So let's just say here's this Heidi. Oh yes. I'm gonna say someone wrote in. Yeah. Oh good. Yes good one. Here's a letter from a listener. All our listeners are writing this letter. Yes all the time writing us letters. Our fan mail you should see it. Yeah exactly. I'm gonna do. With her.
[00:07:38] Let's see what she says because I want her to give it to me straight up.
[00:07:48] My name is Joanna Snyder. I am a certified child sleep consultant and I am the owner of sleep soundly consulting. So I work with all different types of families and their children to help them establish healthy happy sleep returns anywhere from four months to about eight years old. There is such a thing as healthy and happy sleep routines. Yeah you can be healthy and happy in your routines. It's not always easy to come by and some of us are luckier than others and have kids who just miraculously sleep and others don't have that luck. And it is a little bit harder but it does happen. It can happen.
We have circadian rhythms like your internal 24 hour body clock. It's when you're sleepy and when you're awake as adults we're pretty much awake during the day and sleeping at night when it's dark out. But for kids they have internal clocks also 24 hour internal clocks based on their circadian rhythms and you at four months can start to help establish those rhythms and help them sleep actually at an optimal time. It's kind of like a wave.
And if you hit the wave of your sleep wave at the beginning that's the optimal time of sleep. If you miss the wave and you try to put your head down you get a second wind you're going to get wind and you actually your hormone levels in down. So when you in a baby as well in a baby as well because you're melatonin levels are higher and you're ready to sleep but then if you miss that wave that second rate and we've all had that second wind like you didn't understand what happens to me every night I have a one and a half year old and let's say I leave them and I go to yoga class and I say please put him to sleep.
[00:09:18] To my husband this isn't like 8 o'clock at night when the baby's supposed to go to bed. I come home they're watching Ozarks or whatever that very appropriate.
[00:09:27] I felt like that he's like he didn't want to go to bed. And I'm thinking because he's watching that they are like wide awake at night and it will also be having a beer.
[00:09:37] You know that is going to help create a second wind for your husband as well because any light from a scream and you have that blue light affects us. So I tell also people like or really need to like turn lights down and not your screens as much before you go to bed because it does sort of stimulate you and then it kicks in that second wind.
[00:09:54] So yeah I don't sleep yet. Like if I don't sleep tonight it's going to hit me tomorrow.
[00:09:57] Well I mean the day after that the day after power through that day you can kind of go out and try to render or caffeine or whatever and the next day kind of crash but that can happen to babies too because they start to slowly develop sleep debt is what we call it.
[00:10:10] So they kind of. And you wanted to sleep debt. This is another. They're also sleep insurance right.
[00:10:16] Well we want to post feedback. Great. You want to add me I think I want to sleep though when they have a sleep debt it builds up and builds up.
[00:10:22] And so maybe you know two nights ago they didn't sleep well but that is like the perpetual habit keeps going and they're not sleeping well it's adding to that sleep. It causes waking early it causes nighttime waking. I often have people coming to me because their kids are waking in the night or waking really early and it's almost always because they're overtired and that people will say that maybe he just doesn't need that much sleep. I really think you just doesn't need that much sleep. And I'll say well let's just try this new plan. Let's give it a go and see how it is with all this extra sleep and see how it is and most likely it's because they are overtired six to seven is not an uncommon window for babies to wake up.
[00:10:59] I know we don't always get right.
[00:11:01] What Dina's thing what about five to six so five to six is pretty early. Yeah and I think if sometimes if children wait between five and six I would say that they should still remain in their rooms are in their cribs or in their beds and having quiet time until at least six.
[00:11:16] How do you force them to do that without locking the door from the outside. Well that's a good question. It depends how old they are. Let's say hypothetically 6 so six. Right.
[00:11:25] You know there are the wake clocks which sometimes work and sometimes don't work. You can establish a sleep rules chart and have a family meeting where everybody has sleep rules. So Mom and Dad have sleep rules. The kids have sleep rules and sleep rules can be simple. I lie in bed. I close my eyes. I go to sleep. I stay in bed until my OK awake clock turns off or until daddy comes to get me. And you go over. They decorate them. They put stickers to hang them on their wall. Yeah. But you go over them. She said you had to bribe a Dina and then totally. And then you can use some sticker chart rewards right. Right. Two.
[00:12:00] Ok so I can say just rocked her world. Well I will say that Dina thinks that she's she's doing a great job with sleep and her kids just wake up every morning. That they
[00:12:13] Thought which was bad. They go to bed. So this one in particular is going against child. This right. My friend's GED is going to be probably around 730. He's passed out. Like there's no waking him he'll fall asleep on the floor in the playroom. Lights on or music. Right. He's done tired but then I'm sometimes I actually do try to keep him up a little later at night because I'm comments sir and if he's going to bed early. Yeah that is week earlier.
[00:12:40] It's a pretty big misconception I think. And from the research that I've done that earlier bedtime is actually usually about beginning sleep when window is that deep sleep that they need and if they miss that then they do develop sleep debt and they are waking early. Mm hmm. So interesting. And I you know I say this to families all the time you have to talk to kids about why sleep is important. You can pick their favorite activities. So in order to jump on the trampoline or play soccer every day you do need to sleep in order for mom to get a good day at work and be able to be healthy also and be able to ride her bike or go for a run. She needs sleep also. So you can incorporate those kind of conversations into like a day like that. In order for a mommy to be able to go to work so. Right.
[00:13:21] You can right so that we continue to live that we can live in real life.
[00:13:27] We live in a society where most people have two working parents in their home and they get home late. Kids are at daycare and they want to see their child. But you also have to balance that with what are my needs. Is he all right. Morning. Can he play in the morning. They do.
[00:13:41] Ok. You said that in the morning he had early in the morning I always suggest if you have like really good morning play then then leave the night play at night play me and the baby sitter Yeah or just maybe you could take a video of the morning play and play it back for the kids so the kid remembers how meaningful your mom's here here's what you did this morning.
[00:13:57] Let's not forget and tomorrow's a new day with a new warning.
[00:14:01] Now with sleep dep are trying to fix the problem. It takes a few days it takes a few weeks. So I would say anything takes anything that you try you have to give two weeks before you make any determination of working is it not working and you have to stick with the same routine the same plan for two weeks.
[00:14:22] What do you do it for like a kid who can get out of their bed. Like my daughter's three so she's getting on of her. Thousands of frequent flyers and he is Jack in the boxes in an ad in an ad about it and about about. I would suggest having a family meeting where we sit down establish some sleep rules for everybody. She doesn't. She doesn't care. Right. So she's three. Like I don't know how much of it she doesn't understand or she does probably understand there. Clearly smart. She has like. Oh I just don't feel like there are a few things you can do.
[00:14:49] One is a silent walk back in my bed. So every time they come out of their room and you would tell them if this is happening before you do it you say I'm just going to walk you back but I'm not going to talk. I'm going to bring you to your room but you're a big girl now and you can get in your bed and you can play your covers up but we're not gonna talk. I'm just gonna walk you back every time you come out of your room and it can be tedious because I could be twenty five times in one night.
That's the thing you have to be consistent with that and you have to commit to being like this is what we're doing. And this is how I'm doing it and I'm going to walk her back every time. But isn't that what you want her. She wants an extra hug. She wants next
Chuck in shorts and extra cash. Yes actually you on the only one doesn't. Exactly. Yeah. So you can make rules like you can go to the bathroom one time and you can also. There are other people who will give like a hall pass. You have one time to use this. You can come out one time later have asked but then your whole past is done. All right. We're not coming out again. And if you do come out I'm going to walk you back silently OK.
[00:15:40] But. Well let's play this out right. So I walk silently walk my daughter back term even though she's talking to me the whole time. I told I don't get. Huh. And then I do what because I'm not talking her in I just knock her to her bed walk her to her bed. OK. Here's your bed. And what I'm not saying that right. You just walk or I had I stand next to her and we both stare at her.
[00:16:00] And if she doesn't she can either get in her bed or you can leave. I just leave my exit. And then she chases me then you walk her back. Well that's why it's I can be T minus guy. So other people to get up. Yes.
[00:16:10] And you can put a gate and say that you're in your room and you're safe in your room. Mm hmm. And kids will fall asleep on the floor sometimes in front of a gate. We didn't think we'd talk about sleep so much and then we had kids and then it was like the biggest topic of conversation right. Babies because that's all we talked about. Right. And then we didn't talk about it as much but if you really start to think about it you sometimes you dress like you don't talk about an action like oh I'm just done with it. It's a pretty integral part of all of our lives is.
I get interested in sleep and I think I got interested in sleep when I wasn't able to sleep anymore. But I do think that adults need to spend more of time focusing on sleep. I think that healthy sleep is just as important as healthy eating and healthy exercise and our world has a lot of focus on eating right and healthy foods and choosing good foods for our bodies and walking and moving and exercising and they don't put as much emphasis on sleep health. But it's actually just as important for brain development for emotional development. I mean I think as parents we all agree that our children behave better when they sleep better right. They're not Angel really tighter but they're better than when they've really not slept and then you notice they're super cranky the next day. It is probably a direct result of not getting as much sleep.
[00:17:18] Thanks so much Joanna.
[00:17:19] Can't wait to try some of these methods tonight.
[00:17:27] Joanna give us some great ideas. She taught us about sleep debt. By my calculation Donna six years of sleep debt. So that means I'm going to need to sleep for seven thousand nine hundred eighty hours which comes out to about four months and 13 days of sleeping. Wow. You know I took Joanna suggestions to the field as we say. I started putting my baby to bed earlier.
[00:17:51] So we started the routine a little bit earlier when we thought he was awake. He really was tired. We'd put him to bed. He would be fussy for maybe five minutes and pass out. Anyway I'm still going with it. I still believe I think she's probably right. The truth is I have several sabotage hours in the House namely my spouse who like doesn't understand that we have to do it every night.
So for example we went out yesterday we were invited out with a bunch of families to somebodies house and there was another woman there who had four children and she had twin babies and she left in the middle of the party and went to put them to bed. And I was like wow that's so awesome. You know one of us should go home and put the baby to bed but both of us have foam so that didn't happen. Maybe he was completely overtired. I paid for it all night long and now I have a chest cold. He was up all night in intervals. That sucks. It sucks and my sabotage or who sleeps next to me was mad and I'm thinking this is your fault dude.
[00:18:55] This is totally your fault eh.
[00:18:57] You should've taken him home and not had Velma. Wait wait wait why did shouldn't he have had Velma. What about you. That doesn't seem fair.
[00:19:04] Like in terms of like who's gonna be social in our family. I'm a much better representation. I feel like I should have stayed.
[00:19:11] Well one of Joanna's techniques she talked about the frequent flyers and the Jack in the box right. She was describing my daughter who likes to come out of her bed a thousand times a night. So it happened again in my 3 year old came out of her bed and I silently picked her up and put her back in her bed and that happened about 12 times until she was in her bed for about 10 minutes and I said Oh okay cool. It worked. She went to bed it was really annoying and tedious but then 10 minutes later she's up and I told my husband I'm like OK your turn but keep going with the silent walk back method. So he did and he walked her back to her room six times. So in total we silently walked her back to her room 18 times which took about 30 minutes. And by that point she said Mommy my light screen and I was cursing that OK awake clock.
[00:20:02] Please write in we'd love to hear your sleep story and thanks for tuning in. Don't forget to bank that sleep. Don't forget to subscribe and comment and give us five stars.
Hey moms this is Donna. Hey and I'm Adina. Welcome back to Are We There Yet moms Adina, Are we there yet. No. In fact I'm getting farther away. Well if you're tuning in we guess you're also not there yet. So welcome back. Before we get started with today's topic we've had a lot of questions from listeners about how they find out about our new episodes.
[00:00:07] Hi I'm Adina. I'm Donna. Welcome back to. Are we there yet. Mom's The only podcast that will make you feel like an awesome parent. A place where we give descriptions not prescriptions because we definitely don't have the answers but hopefully we'll give you something to think about or laugh about.
Today we'll be discussing parenting our own experiences as parents. We'll also be interviewing Dr. Amy Schwab a therapist with the Peachtree and clinical child psychology and parenting expert who practices in New York City. Then we'll regroup to give you some insight into Amy's recommendations and how we did using our own kids as guinea pigs. Are we there yet. No I'm definitely not there yet. But it's been a week now. I know you would think I'd be there by now. I the editor of epic limping limping.
[00:00:56] I have a question for you. Can you describe for me what was discipline like in the house that you grew up in
[00:01:06] It buried from you could do whatever you want. My friends were always completely shocked by the fact that I did not have to finish my homework before going outside to play. And there were not many rules when I was six years old. I was riding my bicycle to school by myself. Can you imagine sending my son now at six. You know there was also this level of we had to have a deep respect for the parents.
They go down to take a nap right. Quiet. Nobody wakes them up. You and I never have an out never ever nap. What's the nap. A nap is like when we go to sleep at like 10:00 p.m. correct till midnight and then we'll get woken up. Right. And then we're really not began yet one to 30. Those are the good night get woken up right. Exactly. That's naps. We don't really sleep.
[00:01:49] I cut that grounding. Like the word grounded you're grounded. It was honestly something I saw in the movies like I thought it was something made up and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. My parents were immigrants like there was no such thing as grounding. It was the same kind of thing we had no rules. But like if you were in trouble. There was a lot of shouting but your mom yelled about the grades. She would yell about other things not about the grades. I'm like I don't know. I can't remember what she was yelling about.
[00:02:13] She was always there was something like we wouldn't annoy her. Right. Right. To lose her patience. I feel like that gives me a lot of hope. Yeah. That our kids are not going to remember the stuff that we're doing to them hoping like I can't even remember what she was shouting about right. But I do remember the shouting is the thing.
[00:02:29] Maybe she was shouting like I love you. And she did say that all the time. Yeah. My favorite.
[00:02:36] I'll tell you one bad thing since I never had a bedtime. Yeah. I was always tired in the morning. 0 you I'm saying yep that was that was bad parenting. Mm hmm. I was exhausted. All right. High school starts early. Yeah. I remember being so tired of my goal why didn't you tell me to go to bed. Hello. Right. Right. You feel free now about that like you're a little like resentful.
[00:02:58] I'm a little resentful I was tired in high school. I'm never tired at meaning. I mean now I've discovered coffee. Yeah I welcome to coffee.
[00:03:05] Well Jenny I welcome that they should have at least been like OK if we're not gonna give you a bath and I remember I had a neighbor and she was always getting in trouble she was my age and we were playing her mom one day was like Jenny I'm gonna get the spatula. And I was like What is this.
First of all what does that look like. There was a great vocab lesson for me because I mean immigrants right. Number two I was like What's your mom gonna do with this bad judge. So she's going to hit me. And I was like What
[00:03:37] Are talking about is crazy. That's a foreign concept a foreign concept to me.
[00:03:42] But you know we got totally got shouted at. Do you have like a parenting technique or style. Ok I read this book once. That was like give them choices. I'm always like let's say somebody is standing on top of the table and about to jump off. Do you want to step down. Or should I take you down and put you in your room for five minutes because you're not listening to me. So like you give a choice. They make me so frustrated there's not even any time to give them a choice if that makes sense right. Because you also have to anticipate when they're about to do something they shouldn't do and correct. It's like you're like a teeny tiny window. Exactly. And like when you read these books like I'm reading them in slow motion and then picturing the scenario happening in slow motion but it doesn't happen that way in real life. Right. The only thing I have done well is bedtime. What do you mean you've done that well everyone sleep at night you go to sleep. Yeah. Yeah. But they sleep in your bed. They'll be they'll all be on your bed in the middle of the night. Only happens in five hours time. Right. Not happening right now.
[00:04:42] That's effective all the parenting techniques that they say. You can't just do this once you know you have to just do it regularly and consistently. So you know we all know about time out right. Oh yeah. So kid misbehaves you put them in time out.
[00:04:57] I forgot about that. Yeah. Time out. That's a big one. Do you do that. Yeah I do now. Yeah. And like they'll actually sit there. No I put them in the room and I'll hold the door closed. That's my ETA. I defined time out. But then. Are they banging on the door. Times. Yeah.
[00:05:14] Ok let me out.
[00:05:17] But I don't know.
[00:05:18] I don't know how long they're supposed to be in there for and I don't know what warrants time out for kids.
[00:05:24] You know I had a professor once in college who used to say if you want to give a cow freedom build a fence around the meadow. And I always thought that's fascinating. My cows get lost and they're unable to feed themselves unless they are in a contained space. Is that interesting.
There's no sure that true huh. There's no way that I think there is. I think it's true. I don't think so. I think it is OK. I think OK fine maybe they're eating. Whatever.
[00:05:48] All right. I mean no. The holy cow was that are. What that was all rain range cows in India. Have you seen them. They're so skinny bears all the hard standing in a meadow saying where's all the food. I told you they're not eating. If only there was water enough after this you're going to. I will go it anyways. Yeah. I think of it as a metaphor for children like you give them a few rules. I hear what you're saying that it's those boundaries that allow them to really kind of explore
[00:06:27] Hi I'm Amy. I have a speech to an clinical child psychology and I am a parenting expert. I do parenting in individual therapy with parents and I work both with kids and with parents together to help them with their relationships. I have two kids. I have a 10 year old and an 8 year old. You've gotten an eight and 10. Yeah it's pretty impressive. Yeah I've allowed them to get that all day.
My philosophy is that what we wanted to do with our kids is be firm but kind. We want to give firm rules and expectations but we also want to make sure we do it in a loving and warm way giving them some independence is really really important for their development for their sense of self for their confidence but also showing that there are limits to what is acceptable and when we have to set those limits we do it in a way that is kind and that makes sense according to what they did so that they learn from their errors the things that they did wrong their misbehaviors rather than just feel angry for us punishing them. So the way I phrase that is we talk about consequences not punishments. I may have to cut you off.
[00:07:36] Yeah I have already failed this class just yet and it's all very done. Yeah I've also failed this class right. Yes totally. I mean like an hour ago I was screaming I have a kid who's a biter. He's a off but he bites. What am I supposed to do that is effective and firm to stop the biting.
[00:07:56] Tell me a little bit more about age who he's biting when he's biting things like that. Yeah. Donna why did you bite him first.
[00:08:05] You need to stop right there. I do. I do. I know I'm modeling bad behavior.
[00:08:10] He is 15 months so he's little but he knows that he's biting. Like gives a smile on the face after it happens. Today I was so embarrassed. He bit a child in the park that I don't now. The child started screaming.
[00:08:26] So what do you do with a child who's learning to bite. And that's actually what I would say is that they might be being reinforced unwittingly for the biting. So there may be some lecturing which is negative attention but it's attention nonetheless. They may be feeling some power from it. Meaning I'm getting all of these adults to kind of like run around and do all these things in a way that in some ways feels good for this biting for 15 month old which by the way is really at the beginning of the phase where you're like they may be consciously doing something right here.
[00:09:01] Oh he's manipulative. Yeah.
[00:09:05] I mean bleep which means he's powerful. Yes. Which is actually not a bad thing if we turn it around. He's learning to be independent. Right. But when he's looking for negative power he's looking for other people to essentially do what he wants or to show that I can have an effect on the world which again if we look at in a positive sense we actually want our kids to do overtime.
We just want them to do it in positive ways. Consequences in the way I do with my own children are natural or logical. A child gets angry and breaks the crowns. There's a natural consequence. Now they have broken crowns. Right. We don't need to further have them have the consequence unless those crowns happen to also belong to their siblings. So now they may need to pay right from their birthday money their allowance whatever for crowns because their siblings don't have the grounds. Right. And that's a logical consequence.
[00:09:57] It wasn't to natural half. Yeah all of them I have a huge fan of crowns that were split in half but can they still use them. Yeah they still do. Because I'm like I'm not going to do one of those pinches are directly down on canvas. No. Yeah. The something I posted on Pinterest from you the other day now. No. You know the map wasn't it.
[00:10:21] Every parent has a different relationship with their child. Right. Right. So I don't know if you've noticed like when your husbands are home and you're not home the kids act one way when you're home and your husbands are not home they act another way and there's a third way when both of your home. Right. Right. We have that or the preferred way when the baby sitters home. Right.
Oh yes. Yeah. And they act totally differently right. Yes. That's because kids are really good at figuring out what to do in particular situations. We do this as adults all the time. Right. We're at home chilling out. We're hanging in. You know we're like very relaxed and stuff like that. Then we go to work and we talk and behave in a very different way.
Kids learn that with every relationship that they have including the two parent relationship. So if one parent is doing these parenting skills and the other one has no buy in at all the parent who is doing that is going to end up having a better relationship with their child even if the other parent is not doing it.
[00:11:16] I basically want to now if anything I'm doing manners I use myself as a perfect example I've discussed this with Adina before I grew up in a house with zero discipline but my parents were so lucky we were just good kids we had no rules. I think we have more rules in my household with my children and I think my kids sometimes are monsters. And I'm wondering if like is it who they are versus who we were. Is it their genetic makeup. Like what's the story.
[00:11:49] Almost always we can affect the way the kids respond to us. We can not directly impact the way they are right. As you correctly point out right some kids just come in with certain traits but we can affect the way we respond to them. And in that way they are going to respond to us differently.
[00:12:11] I feel like someone would tell me that about my abs if you do the show you will totally have awesome abs that has never happened for me.
[00:12:20] Yeah but apparently if I do the right things in terms of my relationship with my children there can be a positive outcome.
[00:12:29] That's exciting. Did you ever try the five minute AB for training all of that. Yeah right. Yeah right. The five minute parenting. The best. It's almost too much of a chance to do that. So if I validate my children's feelings and I listen to them does that cancel out my screaming. I just need to know like is it canceling out the bad things that I'm doing. OK so parenting just to understand this are just so many hugs. Okay fine so there's going to be a column for hugs.
Yes. Yeah. A column for validation. Yes. And a column for screaming the screaming only starts when I'm very tired. Okay. It's like post 8 o'clock at night. Okay. It's on the phone battery. I don't have to explain. Explain to you. I mean your kids can't wait and and then wait and reset also a column for biting for you for. Your matter.
[00:13:20] My writing your byline very bad behavior even when you're screaming if you're showing validation caring and love and that all emotions right this is actually big key. All emotions are okay for our child to have and we're going to help them even if they misbehave and then we have to give them a consequence. We're gonna help them with those then it usually doesn't get to that extreme where they don't think that they have anybody to go to for their strong feelings for their struggles and things like that.
[00:13:48] You know I think we should scrap the breastfeeding classes. Oh yeah. This is so much more valuable. Totally. So I made kind of a rookie mistake which I think a lot of new parents make. We give our kids a lot of attention. We're so engaged. We're at their beck and call. They want to play we're ready to play. They're awake were awake. They want to eat. Let's go. Right. And now years later they still have the same expectations of me and I want to know how do I break this cycle because I am no longer interested in being at their beck and call. There are two other siblings now.
They're exhausted me. I'm done. Go entertain yourselves. So how do we break some of those. I'm going to call it a bad habit of paying too much attention to my child.
[00:14:38] That's called differential attention toward giving attention at different times. We're not giving attention when they're seeking the negative attention or the tension at the wrong time I put that in quotes and then we do give attention when they're doing it in a proper way and at a time that we can so that they learn. Right this is this how to break that cycle so that they learn. It's not that I'm not going to ever give you attention but it can only give you attention sometimes and when you're trying to get my attention in a nice way what is a failure.
It is just a way to learn how not to do something. There's a story that might be apocryphal about Thomas Edison when he was inventing the light bulb but people knew that he was trying to invent this electric light bulb. And you know he finally figured out the formula to invent the right filament to put it in a vacuum and all of that those type of things. And so reporter came to him and said How did it feel those 700 times that you failed to make the light bulb.
And he he looked at the reporter apparently with a little bit of disgust or scans or something and said I didn't fail seven hundred times. I just learned 700 ways not to make a light bulb. And so each of those things was not even a failure to him. It was just a learning opportunity. Tommy had grit you know. Yes I did. Yes he did. He had a lot of grit. Yeah as parents and we're okay with the fact that the kids failed and are as excited for the kids effort when they fail as when they succeed that we show them that failure is not bad and we.
[00:16:08] So that should we be modeling failure. I can't do that every time yeah make another column a failure a failure as da da I'm going to burn the food for my dog. What else can I fail at forgetting to pick them up. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. On that I feel like you have it's easier.
[00:16:30] I haven't yet but I sometimes. Oh the bus the kids right.
[00:16:35] Yeah. I like it. It's the first time I've ever had to do that. By the way my parents definitely. Right. That's exactly what I was just like in those days it wasn't a big deal right Mama. And there is no way to call anybody. This school had already shut their doors and you're outside already way there. I was outside waiting for my mother.
[00:16:54] I have so many childhood memories of losing my mom in the supermarket. Oh so many things I would have to go to customer service. Can you page. It's a sad day. I have PTSD from those experiences when I'm with my mom and we get lost. I want to cry know as a grownup and crazy right. Are you worried about your mom or are you just I'm just now sad. I'm by myself she laughed to me I guess I am. I have the keys to the car and I am so upset when she loses me in a store. Do you have some abandonment issues that nearly only plague that affects me. Yeah but there you go.
[00:17:34] Sorry kids even Mommy makes mistakes. What is the real story with TV.
[00:17:39] How bad is that.
[00:17:40] Mostly I learned all of my letters numbers colors and I think my children did as well. My parents were immigrant that's how I learned English.
[00:17:48] The research is mixed on that until I know that there have been a lot of studies that have said you know X Y and Z about you know TV is bad. It seems that TV under the age of two is. That's pretty clearly not so great to helmets.
[00:18:02] Yeah. I can't wait. How far under the radar. But this is all.
[00:18:07] Everything's in creations right. So there is a difference between somebody who's putting their kid in front of TV for 8 hours a day. Right. Right. And not interacting with them at all.
[00:18:16] The people who do that. Yes. I'm just joking. Why do kids wake up so early. So kids need a lot of sleep. Wait. All kids. Yeah. All kids.
[00:18:28] There's a range but they really need a lot of sleep and they need their sleep to be it around the same time every day. And that includes on the weekends. Which is really hard for us parents because very inconvenient sleep is incredibly important for the kids development for their concentration for their ability to actually be able to control their moods and behaviors and all of those things. So when we are not allowing our kids to have enough sleep then you know they are probably going to be harder for us to manage both behaviorally and emotionally.
Why do they wake up so early so it depends on the situation. Sometimes they learn to wake up so early because somebody responds to them. And if we are okay with it depends on the age of the child. They want to be very clear right. I'm not saying like 6 month old or even a 9 month old or maybe even a 15 month old is going to be able to fend for themselves. But the thing is if we really think that they can handle being alone and it is appropriate based on their developmental age for them to still be in their bed we can ignore them for a while. I don't go to extremes with this. I go to let's show them that they can handle the discomfort of being alone for 5 minutes.
[00:19:40] So the sense I'm getting from you is that your children don't come to your bed.
[00:19:44] They come to my wife.
[00:19:47] Okay. That doesn't make sense now. Yeah. So meaning like ignore them like they are on top of a high tech except for the baby. They're on top of me at six thirty AM that's late total that is to say I know I'm between 5 and 5 day out here between 5 and 5. Oh yeah.
[00:20:05] She's our circadian rhythm is kinda set for a 24 hour time and our body kind of all of us adults to want to know around the time we're gonna go to sleep because then our body does little thing it releases melatonin which some people actually take to go to sleep but it's a natural hormone in the body so releases melatonin and that helps us settle down and fall asleep. So if we go to sleep at the same time our body is like oh it's 10 15 I'm gonna be settling into bed I'm going to release the melatonin and that will help us fall asleep but if we go to sleep at eleven 15 another night right. Even us right as adults we're gonna be like wait it's an hour after I usually go to sleep. Why am I having so much trouble falling asleep. Well the body released 10 melatonin at 10 15. Now it's released adrenaline to counteract the melatonin. Now we can't fall asleep.
[00:20:52] So is that where the second wind comes. Yeah. Really. Oh I'm not tired. I haven't had a second wind in a long time honestly. No it's just always tired. Anytime anytime. Yeah.
[00:21:04] So sometimes the kids can actually wake up earlier if they go to bed later because their system has been messed up in so they have a little bit more REM like someone's idea of hothouse.
[00:21:15] Yeah. I mean seriously that is so cruel.
[00:21:19] It is very cruel. It's never happens with me and my husband. But in theory let's say you have a couple who fight a lot and they're arguing and what are kind of the some of the long term effects on our children of observing strong emotions and words being used not directed towards them. We talked a lot about that rather towards. So what you're asking. Let me just rephrase yes centrally is when you and your husband fight when someone when you are in someone else's
[00:21:56] Are fighting. Yes. When the kids there obviously they get to an age that they start to listen. I would say that even sounds like four or five years old. I am much younger you ask 15 months. Yeah 15 months. How does that affect the. How does it affect them. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:22:10] A couple of things. One. There's the modeling piece right. So they see how this is how people interact both in the positives.
[00:22:18] Right I'm sure there are some positives also in these situations and in the negatives.
[00:22:23] I also want to ask is the fighting about the kids because that seems to be according to the research a little bit worse than fighting in general the kids feel powerful but not in a way that's good for their emotional development right. That they're going to have this type of power essentially over the parents in order to make them split with each other. As far as being united front. Another good thing for them to see is that there's resolution even after a fight. Right. You guys are still talking to each other in a nice way you know. Maybe even doing and I know some kids will go too but like maybe doing some affectionate thing you need to make out with your husband and being kind of kids okay.
[00:23:09] Absolutely. Okay. Yeah.
[00:23:11] Making up male with make be make out session. Yeah. Should be in front of them. I always call it the power of yet. Right.
[00:23:18] But it's it's a sense that I can't do this if we just end that sentence with yet it changes the sentence entire.
[00:23:28] It sends it into a hopeful mood and sends it to oh if I put in the effort right I might be able to do this too right.
[00:23:36] Oh my God if I've taken anything from this podcast just yet yet. Yeah. Are we there yet. Are we there yet. Mom I mean wow there yeah. Look at them. Look at that full circle. I feel like I feel like we owe me money. I know he has so many good don't have to pay you. Yeah. Yeah exactly. Like a whole like this is the session price session for us. This is really what we were doing.
[00:24:02] That is not a problem.
[00:24:05] There is no podcast we write just write it all this equipment. Fake. It's a fake. Yeah exactly. Because we needed some advice. We need a lot out of a lot of help. I need to listen to this so that I know what was said. I'm not gonna remember all now not all and now I blame. I know I have to make out with my that's.
[00:24:25] That's going to take away. Why do we live all today.
[00:24:30] You know it's okay to wake up at the same time and tomorrow you'll do it at 6 a.m.. Happy birthday. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you.
[00:24:46] Adina and I decided to take some of the suggestions and practices that Dr. army uses. We put them into practice. Yeah we took them into the fields if you will. Yep and our homes our homes the fields in the field.
[00:25:04] Yeah and today we wanted to just kind of report on some of the outcomes. One thing that I thought was really interesting that he talked about was that consequences should be natural and logical. So for me I love consequences. I love to punish the kids and take things away from them and so but when I realized OK so my son hit his sister so I said OK now you can't watch TV. That was not a natural and logical consequence. So then I was starting to think about OK well what could I do. So my son hits his little sister who is four years younger than him. And then she came crying to me about it.
[00:25:44] He hit me Hit me hit me so I said so hit him back right because to me that was natural and logical. I can't say it worked so well because that he hit her and she hit him. He's a lot bigger stronger than a. Yeah. So. So that one I'm gonna say didn't work as well as I had anticipated. I'm going to say that was it your fault. You Donna. What are some of the suggestions I had brought up the biting my 15 month old biting. So
[00:26:09] Honestly my 15 month old stopped biting.
[00:26:13] What I meant by sound because I actually think he was just teething. No Donna. Know I Know we blame a lot on TV. We still blame everything anti everything to it like you'd have a call to my kids totally do they yes or a low grade fever. Yes. Do they make me cranky. Not sleeping so well now. We saw his teeth and only teething. So he actually was teething.
[00:26:35] Oh because I think that I think he needed something to sort of rub on his gums and the mute because he hasn't done it right anyway. So that was a moot point. And then the next thing that Ami said he was talking about the sleeping with my 15 month old I am unable to let him cry in the crib. That that didn't work for me. It lasts about two seconds and then I'm like I'll come pick you up in the morning. I just can not because he's like you know the learn if you ignore them I can't ignore him. It's impossible for me. I. Something happens to my insides when I feel like I'm going to implode if I let the child's cry but my 7 year old who was constantly coming into my bed. I mean a sticker chart for. Yeah and he hasn't come into my bed and in five days.
[00:27:22] Why how do you know what it's like to have a 7 year old to wrap their body around you like a vine. It's not fight. No there's no no. Though it was worth it. To be honest I bribe a lot. Well yeah. You. Yes bribe a lot a lot. To item a bribe. Yeah I guess I do it. I mean this is so wrong with food so I'm gonna give half of them an eating disorder. I think it's already done for the it's done. Yeah for like sweets only candy. Oh yes. I'm. I'm like Amelia Padilla.
That's like I'm honestly doing things that practice I'm setting in place practices that they have proved we're not working right. No. They do work. They're effective but not for the long term. No. So really what this is about this is about short term gains. Correct. Yeah correct. And sometimes that's just what we got do. You know I'm sure we've all used the term survival mode. Yep. Right so we feel right now we're in survival mode. Oh I mean I'm in it all the time. I know I am but I'm assuming and I'm hopeful that that will one day change I won't be in survival mode as much anymore. Right.
[00:28:27] I remember once like this was at in the depths of survival mode when I was really really in it so I had like a twelve month old and I had a newborn and I I was parking the car I was in a spot that was in front of a hydrant I knew I was going to get a ticket but I was so desperate that I made the calculation in my head in saying it's worth getting the ticket because I can't stand the screaming and I needed to get into the doctor's office. It wasn't worth looking for a spot. Does that make sense. It makes sense to me but I don't know that it's crazy.
[00:29:06] No I don't know that it would have made sense to the people who had a fire in their home that the fire truck could not get to because your car was there.
[00:29:15] That's that I think there is nothing hey those people that would be a tough sell. Yeah. I'm just saying. Yeah but I get it. I really get it.
[00:29:23] Well I was really lucky that I just got slapped with a ticket and they didn't into my car right. I didn't know then that there were actually and that there wasn't a fire. I think you're fired. Yeah right. That's not a truckie. Yeah I was also lucky. Remember we were talking as a joke about my star chart. It wasn't a joke. It was. I mean okay fine. I should have made myself a star chart. For your son it did work for my son.
[00:29:46] I didn't make myself a star chart but I was a little bit more self aware.
[00:29:51] I would say you know I have a scream.
[00:29:58] You said that so quietly. Now I have a screaming problem.
[00:30:03] I mean whatever is screaming You say potato I say potato. It's more like a loud call for
[00:30:16] A loud blast.
[00:30:18] And so I was a little bit more conscious before I was about to yell because I kept thinking this could possibly affect my kids later. I'm going to take a deep breath but man it was hard. It was so hard. Like when my son is eating his pasta that's like covered in oil and he decides the fork is too complicated. So he uses his hands and then he gets up and goes and touches the couch and I literally want to shriek but instead I'm like Do you mind going to the kitchen or a bathroom and washing your hands with soap drying them and then you can come back and then you think maybe a spoon would help you not use your hands in eating the past and he's like Yeah but I mean this particular kid I think sometimes I think sometimes I yell because he doesn't hear me.
[00:31:15] Oh do you cook. But that's also something you could find out.
[00:31:18] I've often said what did mommy just say. He's like
[00:31:26] That's a in the. It's like yeah my voice is does not penetrate. No it doesn't penetrate.
[00:31:32] I remember someone saying to me just enjoy your kids while they're little kids big kids big problems. And I was like yeah okay. And you see there is so much more thinking involved. My level of exhaustion is so different than it was when they were little because they were it was I mean I'm still in it with some of them but you know so physical. And now there is this mental energy that needs to be exuded when sometimes that I mean I have no juice there's no juice.
[00:32:03] I really am trying to internalize what Army taught us about but this is a relationship that we're having with our children. And when you think about it from that perspective then it's really like oh OK this isn't going to be solved in a day. I'm not going to suddenly make them responsible human beings that are going to clean up after themselves and know what to do alter that's really not what this is about this is about having this real relationship with them. And that takes a lot of work and time and energy and effort. Thanks for tuning in. Please leave a serve you.
Hi I'm Adina. I'm Donna. Welcome back to. Are we there yet. Mom's The only podcast that will make you feel like an awesome parent.
A place where we give descriptions not prescriptions because we definitely don't have the answers but hopefully we'll give you something to think about or laugh about.
[00:00:04] Hi there. I'm Dana and I'm Edina. Welcome to the only ride where no one asks out loud. Are we there yet. Our hope is to provide you with brain Marlo but not like real Marlo because you need to get the kids to school. Brain yoga but not really yoga because what Mom has that kind of head space to just relax a little VK if you will. We're hanging on by a thread moms. So if you have it together this is not your podcast.
[00:00:31] Other signs that this may not be for you. You are able to go to the bathroom by yourself. You don't have stains somewhere on your clothing and you have read an entire book in the past year. You think that your kids appreciate you. If you cannot relate please unplug. I repeat please move on.
[00:00:49] The phrase I'd use is just barely. Please make sure you're on the. Just barely hanging on category. OK. And if you've gone this far. Welcome. This podcast is supposed to be funny so if it's not. Please don't tell us we are going to curse. We're going to say extreme and sarcastic things that might get us arrested or get our children taken away or possibly put us on a watch list and a little bit about us.
[00:01:18] Adina is a mom who is in shape Donna.
[00:01:21] On the other hand is a mom who is not. Today we are interviewing three moms and one grandma to hear their reflection on motherhood. Mother's Day and everything in between.
[00:01:32] We asked each mom to share some very personal experiences. Dina and I are going to give you a sample in 30 seconds or less. Dina Why did you decide to have children. I didn't. What about you Donna. Oh because why should my amazing genetics of Alzheimer's eczema and hyper pigmentation end with me.
[00:01:49] Idina Jennifer Gratz My only regret is that I haven't yet found my kids real parents. You. Yes. Donna what do you secretly want for Mother's Day a day alone. You. Oh I want the dream breakfast in bed. We're all three kids fight about who is going to bring me the bagel. Someone spilled something. Someone cries I get out of bed and have to clean up the mess and the entire kitchen. It should be called on Mother's Day. Donna do you feel appreciated now.
[00:02:19] Dina what are your real thoughts about flowers. Oh I absolutely love them. What about you. Oh a life that was cut off from its source. I prefer plants. Adina Are you a good mom.
[00:02:29] If by a good mom You mean someone whose favorite time of day is when all the kids are asleep then yes I'm a great mom. What about you. Yes. Dina what would make you better. Oh nothing I'm perfect. You are a personal assistant Donna. How do you recover from a mommy monster moment. Sometimes I say sorry. Sometimes I just say a little prayer that this is going to get itself taken care of in therapy. Dina what about you. I put myself to bed early without dinner
[00:03:03] Hannah. Mother of three boys from two fathers a therapist and preschool teacher. There is not a mother of four ranging in ages from 21 to six years old. An aunt teaches in high school and loves to cook.
[00:03:14] Sarah MOTHER OF triplet boys who will soon be four. Oh yeah. Sarah is also a doctor. Francine mother of three grandmother of six. Retired teacher who for some reason she decided to become a mother again and helped her raise her twin grandsons right now having a power station entirely.
[00:03:33] There's no right answer for me. My name's Hannah. I'm the mother of three sons. The oldest is sixteen and the youngest is Paul. Do you remember a time when you aren't a mom. It's like a dream.
[00:03:46] Yeah but I'm you know I have a unique situation that I had a child when I was young. I think of it as the end of my youth. I have to say like this life before that and then this life after that I like different lives. How old were you when you had him. I was 26 technically but emotionally I was very immature for any of them accidental. Certainly the eldest was accidental youngest was not accidental on my part may have been accidental on my husband's part. I'm sure it'll all come out in family therapy.
I was in labor and she said one more push and you'll have your baby. And I was like I think I care but that's not an incentive. But then he came out in my recollection of it she slapped me but she didn't get the midwife she said this is your baby. And then it was like when the color turns on in the Wizard of Oz huh. And that was it. I'll tell you what's my not favorite story. My not favorite stage is like 8 to 13. They stopped being cute. Oh yeah. And it's very interesting because they don't win your heart instantly you know like when my 4 year old now gives me the big eyes. It doesn't matter what he wants. I'm getting it. But when you're toothless 8 year old. Yeah. You know really wants you to take him to the playground. It's not that appealing it's you. You want them to be independent. What did you hate about motherhood especially in the beginning. No weekends right.
[00:05:13] How do you recover from a Mommy moment where you lose it. I call it mommy monster. Yes sometimes warn them that mommy monster I know I warn them too. I'm like Just get ready for Here you go. Here it comes.
[00:05:26] Yes well I do apologize okay. And I'll say sorry but that was a bit harsh. Like all mothers I think she did the best she could do. Did you have that perspective before you had kids. No no. I mean you learn that don't you. That's what you learn. And you also learn that they love you in a way you didn't ever understand. Yeah. Even if they can't show it. Totally like sick love. Yeah yeah. When you hold that baby you love your baby you know. Yeah. Doesn't matter what's happened since she must have loved you. This is built in is the design. What do you hope to get for Mother's Day. It would be like the ideal Mother's Day gift. I think every day should be Mother's Day in one way and I don't expect anything just to sleep. I'd like when I come out the dishwasher is empty. Yeah it's precious. I would like no toys in the living room as I will have left it the night before right. I would like the children to be happy if they were fed. Right. Teeth brushed. I don't even want about that.
[00:06:19] Oh yeah. I can't find my mother teeth in the morning do I. Yeah. Do I personally do as some I make them out of date. I dance. I don't I. Genetically we have bad teeth. I have to. It doesn't matter with genetics by the way. Really. No it does. Yes it does. If your bad teeth you will have bad teeth.
[00:06:35] You shut it. It's not true that is not true at all. If I floss their teeth and they brush everyday we're fine.
[00:06:44] My my I'm from a line of dentists and very weak enamel on my mother's side. You're from a line of dentists you're from England you're from a line of dental. They were all alcoholics. And weak enamel. You know like the shoemaker's children go Yaniv. All right now I have excellent enamel. It's a shame this is podcast because I've really got a fine American. We could say everyone we're looking for you to buy now. Gideon has the same week enamel. So that must be genetic.
Why don't you try flossing a little more. See if that helps. Maybe they will but you see it's that extra time in the day isn't it. Yeah. And that's why these are the things that fall by the wayside. Do you feel appreciated as a mom. Absolutely not. Show me a mom that feels appreciate it. With small children I would totally do. Do you think that your husband realizes. Do you think he knows what you do. You tell him. I think maybe perhaps it's coming to me now. It would be so painful realization for him to understand what I do.
That his mind cannot even fathom that. It would be more than he could take. Yeah yeah I know that he's allowed this to happen to another person and they sometimes you can go away and leave the children and they look after the children and they think they did it but they only did it because you've got everything running right like you've run the whole system. Yeah they're garbage bags that because I bought them. Yeah you know. Yeah. Yeah. There's food because they.
[00:08:07] That's a baby sister. Because I employed her. There's someone picking up the kids and taking them to school because they organize somebody's toes. That school was me right.
[00:08:19] They told you it was me.
[00:08:27] Hi my name is on that. So I have three girls and one boy. They are 21 19 16 and that and 6.
[00:08:40] And yes all from the same father I fucking did this to myself. I mean I love him. Don't get me wrong. My husband my son is not talking about my son.
[00:08:50] Okay Mike if you ever have days where you have regrets for having four. Sure. Which part of that. The fact that I have no speech that I have no freedom of that I can't breathe. Sucks sometimes you know and sometimes I don't even love them. I don't even want one. I'm gonna go by yeah. You know. Or maybe I should get out. I don't know and it's probably easier to transport one than four. Do you think that you're a good mom. Yeah I do actually. I got a prize actually. That's how I know I'm a good mom. They just send me a medal.
Oh my gosh I got the same one. No you didn't. It's for anyone who's been a mother for twenty years. There is no way. Okay. Yeah I definitely got the same prize. Way way way. You got a prize just for being a mom for over 20 years. I mean. And a monument. What do you mean. Why do you seem so surprised. She's not just sound credible. Are you somehow learn to aspire to it. I can make it came in the mail. My amazing from the mother associations of Mother childlike authorization. Why don't we know about that way and why 20 years is a long time.
[00:09:57] I mean I've been a mom for us over six years.
[00:10:00] Do we count time in the world or no I was being home now so over six years. You don't get any words I come out okay. Tell me.
[00:10:06] Can we add leg if I have a 20 year old and a 19 year old now. So I've been a mother for thirty nine years now and now another 16 now works girlfriend.
[00:10:16] You have a least favorite. Yeah. Yeah. My least favorite actually is like this like 19 20 year old. Okay. Oh my God what a mindfuck. Okay first of all they're supposed to kind of be adults but they're not okay.
[00:10:32] Their mom. Okay. And unlike the come back from college or their gap year or whatever and nobody really knows like what their role is like am I supposed to parent you. Am I supposed to discipline you. Am I supposed to tell you to pick your shit up from the floor because it's my house you're in again not in your dorm room. It's like there's no homeostasis. You know and it's just it's insane.
And if you're like me you just left like it was so nice when you weren't around because your bed was made every single day. My house was kind of a little bit quieter. Hey you're back and just like stay out. Do you think that your husband has any idea the amount of I'm already starting to
[00:11:16] I don't even finish this
question. Okay why don't you ask the question. You answer it for me and then Allison okay. Do you want to know if he has any fucking idea what I've done every day for the past 20 years.
[00:11:34] How do I guess that question. Did he get the father award.
[00:11:40] He gets an award every day just for being him you know for having you as a prize.
[00:11:50] Of course he knows exactly what I go through every day. He really appreciates it
[00:11:59] And he thinks God his mother my mother anybody anybody who is involved in getting us to here.
[00:12:10] No he doesn't. Of course he doesn't. Know I.
[00:12:15] Yeah I like trying to think about telling him how much navigation there is in a day and I can just see that glazed look over his eyes and when he stopped listening.
[00:12:28] Within three and a half seconds then I'm like why why should I tell him. Like why should I get annoyed because it's even more annoying.
[00:12:37] I kind of wish like like moms could take a sabbatical. Yeah I could be so healthy for us. Just take a sabbatical right. You just don't know if everyone ever will be alive. That's right. No you know what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of like if I come back after a year like my kids nails will be scraping the floor because my husband has never ever
[00:12:59] Cut anybody's eye and never hate Mother's Day actually hopefully my mother is not listening because she fucked it up okay.
[00:13:08] She will. My mother was like the most like. She was so easy going about everything. Something about Mother's Day. Every year it didn't matter what we did. We got in trouble. Okay.
[00:13:18] I was like what happened to you. Who are you. Like what. Okay now you give a shit and I resent it.
[00:13:25] It's like my Sunday. I work.
[00:13:28] I work all week long and I have my children and now I have to do something for you because my asshole siblings don't get off their ass to do anything and I have to organize it. It's my fucking Mother's Day. No I don't want to do this you know.
[00:13:41] So I hate it.
[00:13:43] I actually I hate my mother everyday EPA Hui burial plot.
[00:13:52] I'm gonna feel amazing on that day.
[00:13:54] No not happening.
[00:13:57] My name is Sarah. I'm mother to triplet boys. Attorney for next month. We only trying to have one and when we did we were doing fertility and when we did the bloodwork I was like OK. It's gonna be twins because the numbers are high. Bubble born in my O.B. to the ultrasound and she was like Yeah there's too little and she's like up there is there one.
[00:14:17] My grandpa Lenny like his old face went white.
[00:14:20] Oh he was wearing his jacket. He's like excuse me I didn't leave there yet. Yeah I mean I'm in a.
[00:14:29] And my O.B. at the time was very fatalistic and was like It's okay it's okay. One of them will die. Nobody ever survives a triplet pregnancy on and on and on but then we transfer to O'Hara's practice and they were like it'll be fine. You're healthier you're on fire stroller with 3C All right you guys ready. Yeah there's gonna be three right. We are a minivan. Well.
[00:14:49] Oh my gosh. First pregnancy that a minivan from the dolphin zoo I know that it's really rough. Yeah that is really rough.
[00:14:57] We did the whole like SUV were too cool for a mini van and I was like I'm gonna fall. I'm not that great need right. I can't back out right. I need those sliding doors. Exactly. Yeah yeah. Got it.
[00:15:08] I think as my O.B. says I had every complication related to a multiple gestation so I went on bedrest at 25 weeks because my cervix was shortening and David's water started leaking so I went to the hospital I got steroids I got antibiotics I was on bed rest there and then I got pre-eclampsia four days later so I had an emergency C-section.
[00:15:28] That sounds really intense but I'm still focused on bed rest. How nice that sounds right now.
[00:15:35] Right now right now in red. Yeah. Oh yeah.
[00:15:38] I think it gets it's exhaustion like bed rest but with benefits of like walking around exam shopping.
[00:15:45] Yeah totally totally basically totally a bank call.
[00:15:49] Right. Right stay at home moms stay at home mom without children.
[00:15:53] No that's the dream.
[00:15:54] With the prescription with a prescription. Exactly. Exactly. That's sounds perfect. Yeah.
[00:16:01] Did you always want three kids. I think that was in the global plan. We always say now that we have kids that if we had had one we probably wouldn't have any. So maybe this is why we had three.
[00:16:14] If you believe in that kind of stuff just because it's like so life changing to have a child let me think like for our lifestyles it was just like very different. I mean for all parents but so I feel like I definitely wouldn't have had another one I would have been like now I'm gone. Yes great. Yep this complete. And are they friends with each other.
They are their best friends and they're like worst enemies right. You know because I think because they're triplets they're always in each other's space. Like with they see the couch and someone's sitting on the couch they're not gonna sit next to them they're gonna sit on top of them right and they kind of don't have a sense also of like personal space and I think that's from your point we you're for ones and have a sense a person really. So it's like
[00:16:57] We're not we're not judging you as a mother just right. You know Donna. Did you hear that. Yeah. No personals for an abnormal. You need to get that checked out. We need. That's something you need to assess.
[00:17:08] I don't think I've showered alone in seven years. Oh my God.
[00:17:11] Without someone opening the curtain and being like Sean me they always need us when you're on the toilet why. Why. I just need 30 seconds right. Totally. I never do this quickly they aren't interested in Dad.
[00:17:25] No. Oh my God. Yeah. Where's your father. Yeah. Right. Martin.
[00:17:30] I have now I have a father.
[00:17:33] You seem very common to me. Do you ever yell at them. I really try not to. Something that's like really important to me. I mean once in a while obviously I lose my cool but I really really try not to because I just feel like it doesn't accomplish anything and they because they're not used to it. They get very upset. How do you balance work Mom. The weekends are definitely totally free usually. And then weeknights usually I'm home by like five five thirty. So you can have dinner with them. Exactly. Awesome.
[00:18:01] Oh what a treat. I bet. Do you love your nanny. Are you scared of your nanny.
[00:18:06] Oh I love her. She's amazing. I love her probably more than I love my husband.
[00:18:11] Yeah. And you know that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you fantasize about her moving in and just taking over your life. I do that yes. Every day she leaves my nanny. Yeah.
[00:18:21] And every day I'm like really I'm leaving you. Really. Right. I'm doing this again. All right. Not my nanny is amazing.
[00:18:28] Yeah. Tell us what is your relationship with Mother's Day Mother's Day. My last Mother's Day. I think my husband was on a conference and I was alone with the kids and just basically tried to keep everybody alive. So I'm hoping for a better one.
[00:18:44] I don't know. I don't know.
[00:18:46] As part of me feels like every day is Mother's Day because it's just like you know basically balls to the wall every day. Right. Lots of responsibility.
[00:18:55] Right. Basically none of you can function without me. Right. So it's my day. Exactly.
[00:19:00] And Mother's Day to me like on a Sunday doesn't really mean much because you've got to be with the kids.
[00:19:12] My name is Francine. I have three children two girls and a boy. Boys in the middle and six grandchildren each of my children have two twin boys a boy and a girl and two boys.
[00:19:27] So basically since your retirement you've been manning your grandchildren watching them and only we're going to been watching your grandchildren. That's really amazing. What kind of retirement is that. That seems like going from a full time job to a full time job. I can't wait till our children grow up. I actually have a calendar Xingu off the days until my little list is 18.
[00:19:48] Oh it doesn't end there. It doesn't. That's where it began. Brad's a stop.
[00:19:53] I can't. You have to stop that.
[00:19:57] No no. That's where it begins. I still give up the same time and five me.
[00:20:01] Yeah. Wow I fifteen a.m. five days a week sometimes on the weekends. Wow. Do they live with you these children grandchild drastically. They weren't to sleep over all the time. It is tiring walking back and forth dealing with them. Homework is. Forget it. That's not even on the list. Do you do homework with that. They have homework. Yeah.
[00:20:25] By the time we get to do something just so frustrating. So I just I read a lot to Lucas. Yes. Abel wants me to play with him. So we do that and feed right. Again and again and again. That's really amazing. And we play we when Lucas went for his flag football and I went at the Y and we went in the back and we played for 45 minutes. Wow outside blew bubbles. That's my favorite thing to do is blowing bubbles. Played ball.
[00:20:55] He drew pictures with sure she's from saying I'm getting exhausted I'm tired. I'm so tired because I think about my own kids and they're like Can you play with me and I'm like Seriously. Right. Not tonight. Not something you have a choice.
[00:21:11] I play with you or we read a book I choose.
[00:21:14] I would drop what I was doing cancel something I had to do to be with them because I feel it's to me it's I love doing that. I just want to be with them for them to remember. Yeah. They must feel so close. Grandma was there. And I think the my two max and Maya I really think that they miss me because I was with them every day. I was there in the morning and pick them up and then you know sometimes on the weekends you know babies say they go out.
[00:21:42] I think kids really remember that relationship with grandparents. It's very special when you have a close grandparent. It's different than parents. Definitely. There's something a little more unconditional about it. Do you ever discipline them. They yell at them yell punish time out head handle.
[00:22:01] Oh I want to talk now you feel.
[00:22:08] No I mean they talk back sometimes like today one of them was eating his chips too fast and they were falling out all over the place. Don't shove it in your mouth. Finish what's in your mouth and he's slow. Guess what he did right after I said that he did it again. All right. The bag and he got it. He yelled at me. I say I told you not to do that. And yeah they sometimes do like you want to but then.
Take a breath and walk away and this is how could I have done this differently. I say to myself cause and it's like I'll try again next time to do it differently. But it it is they get to you. My daughter has a tradition the one with the twins that she always celebrated that just with her kids. I think that felt very good when she said he was coming down with the kids and we'll all go to breakfast whenever time together so.
[00:22:58] And Sunday of Mother's Day I'm so nice. Yeah.
[00:23:01] So for the once in a while we get together especially all of us with the kids because they will like being together. So that's a nice gift. I'm good with doing that.
[00:23:13] Francine what if you could just tell our listeners because maybe a lot of them are not going to be grandmothers yet. What do we have to look forward to.
[00:23:20] I think Joy. I think it's the most wonderful thing in the world to see this these children that you put hold the diapering care for.
[00:23:35] So remember moms it's not about the destination but about journeying to the finish line. Skipping to the finish line limping to the finish line crawling to the finish line crawling on your elbows to the finish line on gravel with out the use of your legs. Or your arms
[00:23:58] Rolling to the finish line blindfolded. Someone's kicking you to the finish line. No food or drink until you reach the finish line. There is no finish line.
[00:24:15] So until next time. Wishing you a very happy Mother's Day. Thanks for tuning in. And please leave a serve you.
Hi there. I'm Dana and I'm Edina. Welcome to the only ride where no one asks out loud. Are we there yet. Our hope is to provide you with brain Marlo but not like real Marlo because you need to get the kids to school.
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